OMG I think I'm KTFU!

I tested this morning.  It came back Yes+.  I do believe I am knocked the eff up as some girls on the board will say.  I called J at work crying and laughing. I couldn't believe it.  I'm staying positive.  I'm going to test again tomorrow morning to make sure it still says positive.  We go in for our beta on Saturday where the doctor will confirm.  Oh wow.  I was shaking so much when I got the test result.  I was still shaking on my drive into work.  I'm so glad today is my Friday.  I hope this day goes by super fast.

Gotta stay positive

I think the toughest thing in this entire process is trying to stay positive.  It's not the shots or pills or patches.  It's not the doctor appointments or blood draws or procedures.  It's trying to keep the positivivity up.  This has been the longest 2 weeks of my life.  On Saturday we find out if this was all worth it.  I'm a firm believer in positive thinking helping and I'm trying my hardest to stay positive.  I'm human though and I'm going to have those little thoughts of what if.  I think my husband has finally stopped asking me these "what if" questions because he's probably tired of me constantly telling him we have to stay positive.  So that's what I'm trying to do. 


One good thing is I'm on new schedule for work. Our group is doing a pilot for alternative work schedules.  I'm working 4 10s now with Friday's off.  It will be so nice to have a 3 day weekend every weekend and to be able to run errands during the weekday.  I need to get up earlier but so far it hasn't been a problem.  The hardest part will be making sure I get to bed by 10pm each night so I can get a decent nights sleep.

Wonderful weekend!

What a wonderful weekend!  We had a mini weekend away up in Victoria, BC.  I love it so much there.  


Friday night I was busy.  I had to do laundry but J forgot to take my laundry basket downstairs.  So I only grabbed what I would need for the weekend and threw the clothes in. I had to get our dog ready to go to the Pets Hotel.  I dropped her off and I felt so sad leaving her. I know she has a really good time there and they treat her well...but still. It was sad at night without her in the house and J at work.


I got up about 4:45 on Saturday so I can finish some last minute things around the house and head out to pick J up at work at 6.  After that we were on our way to the dock to board the boat to Victoria.  We got off the boat in Victoria and it was just beautiful out. There was a little bit of a breeze but we had sun and blue skies.  I'll take it.  We checked into our hotel and they had our room ready so we were able to drop our bags off.  I love staying at The Empress. They are all so friendly there.  We headed out to Nautical Nellies for lunch.  They had a lunch special of Chilean lobster on a hogie.  Wow was it good!  I think J ate his in like 4 minutes flat.  After that we walked around the city....a lot!  We went to the undersea gardens. We did a ghost tour.  Had a very late dinner at an amazing steakhouse.  The steaks were so tender.  It's like you didn't even need a knife to cut them. By 11:30 we were passed out in the super comfy beds.


On Sunday our boat didn't leave until 7 (even though I kept thinking it was 7:30 and telling J this...oops! haha) so we had lots of time to explore.  We ended up going on a carriage ride through the city.  It was such a relaxing hour.  Probably the best part of the trip for me.  It was expensive, but so worth it.  Such a relaxing time and a great way to see the city!  I was not ready to go home.  I told J I could totally move up here and be Canadian.  It's just so lovely.


Now we are in our final week of waiting. We have our blood test on Saturday.  I think I want to take a home test before that. I want to be prepared if it's negative.  Even though I keep telling myself it will be positive and I've been "acting" pregnant as my doctor tells me. No alcohol, taking it easy.  I think I want to have a little cushion for the news.  We will see.  Hopefully this week goes by super fast.  

The PIO shots are really becoming a pain in ass, literally!  My right side is hurting more than my left.  Sometimes at night if I'm laying on my right side too much it will actually wake me up.

What's going on

1dpt Embryo is growing and developing
2dpt Embryo is growing and developing
3dpt Embryo is now a blastocyst
4dpt Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
5dpt Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
6dpt Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
7dpt Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
8dpt Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
9dpt Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
10dpt More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
11dpt More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
12dpt HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT 


Right now we are 3dpt (days past transfer).  Our embryos are getting ready to implant.  I'm back at work today after a day and a half of bed rest. I'm actually happy to be at work.  I was so unbelievably bored yesterday!  It's not so much fun when someone tells you that you HAVE to lay on the couch and do nothing all day.  It's way more fun when you actually want to do that.  Right now I'm just taking it easy.  No heavy lifting over 10 pounds.  Means I can't even bring my laundry basket downstairs.  J will have to do that for me.  No getting my heart rate up.  Just chillin.  


This weekend we are going to Victoria, BC.  I can't wait.  That's our favorite city.  It's so beautiful there.  We went last year for our anniversary.  This year we won't be able to make it for our anniversary so we are going a couple months early. 


The PIO shots are not fun at all.  They are starting to hurt now.  I got a little bit of a bruise from the one yesterday.  Tomorrow I'm going to have to give it to myself because J won't be home from work before I leave for work.  Hopefully it all turns out well.

Wait wait wait

Yesterday afternoon we had our transfer.  We met with the embryologist and she talked about how our embryos were growing and everything.  She explained everything in terms we could understand.  She even showed us a picture of our embryos that we got to take home.  Our first baby picture. :)  We transferred 2 embryos.  They said the chance of twins was 25%.  We had a grade A 8 cell and a grade B 8 cell.  I had to have a full bladder for the transfer.  I'm such an overachiever that my bladder was too full.  Oops!  The nurse came in and said I had to go to the bathroom a little bit.  J was laughing and saying he was glad it wasn't him because he would never be able to do that.


We got to watch everything they were doing on the tv.  When our doctor was ready to transfer the embryos our embryologist went into the lab to get them.  We got to see them on the tv get sucked into the catheter thing.  On the u/s screen we saw 2 little flashes and that was the eggs going in.  It was all so amazing to see.  We will definitely show our kid their first picture as well as tell them the story when they are ready.  Because, as J says, it's just a cool ass story!


So now we wait.  We have our appointment on July 2 for a blood test to see if it all worked.  I'm on bed rest for the remainder of Monday and all day today.  This is the hardest thing.  I don't like not being able to do things for myself.  J has been great and went to the store to get me top ramen because that was the only thing that sounded good yesterday.  


The waiting will be the hardest part.  Thankfully we have kind of a busy schedule.  This weekend we are going to Victoria for a quick weekend trip.  That will help to get us closer to July 2.  J is the one having the hardest time.  He's not necessarily a patient person. :)  He'll definitely have to keep super busy to keep his mind off things.  Our embryologist told us that there is nothing we can do to "dislodge" the eggs or make them fall out.  It's all up to mother nature right now.  I just need to take things easy.  Don't get my heart rate up above 140 (I think).  No sky diving (she actually said this haha).  I told her I guess I need to put my MMA career on hold for now and she said "Uh yeah. What is that?" haha.  

Today's the day

Today is the day.  We have our appointment for transfer today at 3:00.  I got a call from the nurse this morning saying we have 2 lovely embryos that are doing awesome this morning.  Originally we were scheduled for 3:30 but the nurse just called and asked if we could move it up to 3. I could not sleep last night.  I went to bed about 9:45 but wasn't tired so I read.  I ended up reading until 12:15 and still wasn't tired.  Such a restless night. I think I finally fell asleep about 3.  J woke me up about 6:20 to give me my progesterone shot and I felt like I had only been sleeping for 2 minutes.  


J is getting a little better at giving me the shots.  He still doesn't like it and I don't blame him.  These shots bleed a lot more than the ones in the tummy.  For Christmas as a joke J got me pickle bandages so I've been using those.  They make me laugh. 


I sure hope this works.  I can't even imagine the level of disappointment I will feel if it doesn't.  I have to keep positive and try not to let my mind wander to negative thoughts. 

Fert Report

Got a call this morning about 9 from our doctor's office.  Of the 14 eggs, 10 made it to ICSI and 9 were fertilized.  That is a great number.  Again, I'm a very happy girl.  Right now we just sit and wait.  We are tentatively scheduled for transfer on Monday at 3:30.  We will get a call on Monday to let us know how the embryos are doing.  If they are really strong, they will push the transfer to Wednesday.  Tomorrow I begin my progesterone shots.  I have to take those every morning until we get a positive pregnancy test or Dr M tells us to stop.  


And now...we....wait. :)

ER went great

ER went good.  We left the house at 6:30 because I wanted to make sure we got to the office in enough time in case of traffic.  We were the first retrieval of the day.  Everyone at our doctor's office is so super friendly.  The anesthesiologist came in and explained everything to us.  Next thing I know I was in the procedure room.  I have a little bit of a bruise from the IV.  My veins are a little taxed from all the blood work I've been doing.  The last thing I remember before going into the recovery room was trying to think of my happy place.  To me it was over in a flash.  I'm in the recovery room eating my animal crackers and drinking my apple juice.  J was sharing the stories with me of the funny stuff I said as I was coming out of anesthesia.  Apparently my "happy place" is Grey's Anatomy. haha.  That's what I told the nurses when I woke up.  The only thing I remember is telling J that I was mad because I didn't have enough time to get on the plane for Disneyland.  


They were able to get 14 eggs.  I had thought they'd get 7 maybe 8 so I was definitely pleased to hear 14.  We left the office with instructions for me to take it easy and sleep lots.  They will give us a call tomorrow to let us know how everything is growing.

T minus 15 hours

We are all set for tomorrow morning at 8.  I went to the station last night so J could do the trigger shot.  I felt bad because he was nervous.  I snapped a little at him and said, “Just do it!”  The quicker he does it the quicker it’s over.  He knows I don’t like needles so that made him nervous.  Last night I counted and since June 4^th I’ve given myself 37 shots and had my blood drawn 5 times.  I think I’m getting over my needle phobia. 

I know everything will go good tomorrow.  I just worry about the numbers.  I hope Dr M is able to get enough eggs.  After the surgery she will tell J how many she got.  I will still be coming out of anesthesia and probably won’t remember anything.  Saturday we should get a call from the lab, I’m hoping, letting us know how they are growing.  My hopes is that we do a 5 day transfer.  Which means transfer on Wednesday.  Dr M says with a 5dt they know for certain which are the best ones to implant.  At that time they would only implant 1 embryo because they were able to pick out the best one.  After that we wait 2 weeks to see if I’m pregnant.  All goes well we’ll have a March baby next year. 

Systems ready for launch

Went for my final u/s and blood work this morning.  Just got the call from our IVF coordinator that we are good to go.  Taking the HCG shot tonight at 9pm that will trigger ovulation.  ER is scheduled for 8am on Friday. 


I was a little nervous about the shot because it doesn't go in the stomach and J is at work today.  When I went in this morning they said it could be anywhere from 9pm to midnight.  I just had visions of going to the fire station at midnight to get a shot.  Thankfully our coordinator pulled some favors and we got the first appointment for ER on Friday.  I have to get the shot exactly 35 hours before ER.  It's very important everything is timed correctly with this one.   After tonight I get a break from injections.  I won't start shots again until Sunday when we start the progesterone.  ET will either be on Monday or Wednesday.  It all depends on how the embryos are doing after retrieval.  Right now they can tell us Monday morning and we need to be ready that afternoon for transfer.  I can't believe in a little over 2 weeks we'll know if this worked or not.

Can I just move here?

I'm starting to feel like I spend more time at the doctor's office then I do with my own husband.  Yesterday I had another monitoring appointment.  Everything looked good and the follicles were growing nicely. They decided to start me on the ganirelix.  to stop ovulation.  So now I get to take 1 shot in the morning and then the gonal F and hcg shots in the evening.  I'm not a big fan of the ganirelix.  It hurts a little bit afterwards.  Our doctor was out so it was another doctor doing the u/s.  She thinks we will trigger on Wednesday night and then do the ER on Friday.  That will be nice because it will give me the weekend to take it easy and recover.


I go back in for another monitoring appointment tomorrow morning.  Thankfully my work is pretty flexible because I've had to take off at least an hour every other day for blood work and such.  Friday I'm going to take the day off (obviously) but I'll be checking in periodically for work.  Here's hoping everything goes well and in a couple weeks we'll know if it worked or not. 

Maybe tomorrow

Everything looked good with my u/s yesterday. My largest follicle is at 11.  They want to see it at 14 before beginning the ganirelix shots and then at 18 before doing egg retrieval.  I go in for another u/s and blood work tomorrow morning.  Thankfully the office is open on the weekends.  I'm hoping they give the go ahead to start the ganirelix shots so we can get a better idea when ER will be.  I'm really hoping it's on Thursday.  Fingers crossed.

Last night was the first night the shots hurt.  I don't know if it's because I'm getting bloated from the shots and I don't have "extra" stomach to grab on to.  I'm not looking forward to tonight's shots.  Tonight I have to give 3 shots.  I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end.  Just gotta stay positive.  

"Have a little more faith than the world has doubt."

Human pin cushion

More blood work and another u/s today.   They had to take blood from my left arm this time to give my right arm a break.  I'm starting to feel like a human pin cushion.  My doctor is out today so another doctor was going to fill in for the u/s.  When I got there she was in an ER procedure and they asked if I wanted to wait or I could have a tech do the u/s.  I let the tech do the u/s.  I didn't know how long I would be waiting and I didn't want to miss too much more of work.  Looks like my left side is the dominant side for follicles.  The tech measure 6 on the left with the biggest one being 11.  They want to see the 2 biggest follicles at 18 before they do a retrieval. I forgot to ask where the other follicle went because on Weds the doctor measure 7 follicles.  Our IVF coordinator is going to call me this afternoon with results from my blood work and to let me know when I begin the ganirelex shot. Right now she's thinking possibly beginning that on Saturday.  I go in for another u/s and more bw on Sunday at 9 and then again on Tuesday.  Too bad I can't claim parking fees on my FSA account. haha. Still looking at a tentative retrieval date of Thursday.  That would work perfectly for our schedules. J is doesn't work and the earliest they'd do transfer would be Sunday.  Which would be great because we have tickets to the baseball game Saturday night. 


Last night's shots hurt a little bit.  I think it was because I had a very full tummy when I gave them to me.  I told the u/s tech that I have this full feeling in my tummy all day.  She made me laugh because she said "Yup it's that feeling you get every Thanksgiving but this time it doesn't go away."  That's EXACTLY how it feels! ha. 

Poem

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought,  without patience or loss,and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.
I will Marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself Lucky in the sense; that God has given me that insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, sister, because I know pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen, and even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight of mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Lookin good!

Went in for more blood work and u/s today to check how everything is going.  I also did the pre-op visit for the egg retrieval. They have to do a pre-op because you are going under anesthesia.  My blood pressure was awesome.  Something like 98/60.  The nurse actually commented asking if I'm always this low.  I told her every time I get my blood pressure taken there are always comments about how awesome it is.  


The u/s went good. I have 7 follicles on my left side and 6 on my right.  Dr M said she likes to see between 3 and 10 so I'm sitting pretty right now.  They are measuring roughly the same size which is good.  Our IVF coordinator said they like seeing them the same size because they "grow up" together.  When they get the results from my blood work back they'll give me a call this afternoon and let me know if there are any changes to the meds I'm taking.  Right now they are thinking I'm good to continue with what I'm doing.  Next appointment is Friday for another u/s and more blood work.  Looking at tentative ER on Thursday which would work out perfectly because my husband is off that day.  

Loving the sunshine!

Day 2 for shots went good.  They hurt a little more last night.  I had to do 3 shots instead of 2 because the Gonal F that I had left over in the vial wasn't a full 375.  I tried to rotate where I was doing the shots because my right side was a little tender. I still can't believe I'm giving myself shots with no problem. I guess I'm only nervous when others have the needles.  This morning I noticed I'm getting some bruising around the area I did the shots on Saturday. J asked me last night "Are you emotional yet?"  I just started laughing.


We had a really good day yesterday.  The weather was beautiful. We went to the zoo with some friends.  It was so nice getting outside and enjoying the sunshine.  Afterwards we went back to their house for a bbq.  Just relaxing in the backyard soaking up the sunshine.  Days like yesterday make the rainy/cold/snowy/cold days worth it.  Looks like we are due for sun for 9 out of the 10 upcoming days.  I can handle that. Bring on the sun!

Success!!

First set of shots were a success!! I'm so proud of myself.  I practiced a few times on an apple to get used to the feel of the needle.  I had to give myself 2 shots and they were both easy.  It was just a little prick and that's it.  I can do this!

It made sense at the office!

These meds are just so confusing! Yesterday when we were at the office it all made sense. Last I was looking at the meds and trying to figure out what it is I need to do. I wanted to get a good idea of what's going on because I start the shots tonight and the doctor's office is only open until noon on the weekend. I figured out the Gonal F super easy. That was in a box and easy to figure out. On my schedule I have to take 375 of Gonal F and 20 of mini hcg. Well I find the HCG in my med box and that's where panic sets in. I see 2 vials. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. 20 minutes later J sits down with me. He's trying to figure it out and having no luck. The bottle said intramuscular (or something like that) and I know that can't be right because our IVF coordinator told us that the first shots are all in the stomach. Intramuscular is in the butt.  I tell him I'm going to call the doctor's office first thing this morning to figure it out. We don't want to screw this up because it's a lot of money. I tell him that if I can't get a hold of the doctor's office today that I won't do the meds.  We will just have to start this next month because I really didn't want to screw something up.  

FFWD to 8am this morning. I call and leave a message for the nurse. I go back to sleep for a little bit. All a sudden I sit up in bed. I remembered I had another med in the fridge. J & I both thought this was my trigger shot because the trigger shot for IUI we had to refrigerate. Well what do you know? I look at the med and it says "lo dose hcg!" It also says sub something or other which means...in the stomach! I found the meds I need to take. The nurse called me back while I was getting a pedicure and I tell her I think I figured it out. We have a good laugh. She tells me the one with 2 vials is the trigger shot that I bring in to the office. Man I was so relieved. So now about 8 I'll sit down and try to get my 2 shots.  I'm relieved now that I have my meds situation figured out.  Now I just need to work up the courage to give me the shots. It's going to be okay.  I know it will.

And we're off!

We are a go.  Full steam ahead.  This morning was our suppression check.  They did blood work and an ultrasound.  Everything looked good.  I got the call from our IVF coordinator a few minutes ago that my estrogen levels were at 39.5 and that's right around where they want to see them.  So tomorrow we begin shots.  I take 3 shots every night until Wednesday.  On Wednesday I go back in to the doctor's for more blood work and another ultrasound to see how things are progressing.  At that point I go in every other day.  We got our schedule and I must say it is a little overwhelming but at the same time it's not.


Last night I had a little panic attack as I'm trying to fall asleep.  It was hard to turn my mind off of everything that is going on.  It's hard for me to vocalize what I'm feeling.  I'm afraid it will just come out a jumbled mess.  Thankfully I'm more at ease after seeing the doctor today.  


We did learn that we can freeze "extra" embryos from this cycle.  If we do that the cost for using the embryos in another cycle is dramatically decreased.  That was good to know that we have a Plan B if this doesn't work out.  The thing that sucks is if this doesn't work out, PLan B is going to be a ways into the future.  


Sometimes you just got to put it in God's hands and say "Okay, it's all on you."