I should update this more

I really do need to get better at updating this.  Nothing has changed on the baby front.  Part of me thinks I might be coming to terms with the possibility of not having a child.  And that is very odd to me.  Lately I've been feeling really bad for J.  We'll be out and he'll mention something about a kid.  He's been doing that a lot more.  A couple weekends ago we went camping and he said this is when he really wished we had a kid, so the kid could experience all this.  That's the part the stings the most.  


We've been keeping busy with traveling.  In June we went back to Chicago for 5 days.  We went and saw 3 games at Wrigley, saw family and ate wonderful food.  Our flight didn't leave O'Hare until 7 that Monday so we walked around the city.  Chicago has to be one of my favorite cities.  I love the tall buildings and the architecture.  This year we did an architecture boat tour. Amazing!

The weekend we were back we headed to Sun Lakes for camping.  This was the first time Wrigley got to swim.  Him & Ash had so much fun.  Ash absolutely loves the lake.  You have to practically drag her out.  She'll chase her frisbee into the water a million times.


This past Saturday we went to Zillah for a quick trip.  J was pretty excited because we stayed in a teepee.  The weather was quite warm.  I can't complain much, I'm just happy we finally have summer.


No other trips planned right now. I'm going to try to get home in September for my nephew's first birthday.  Thinking of doing a quick trip.  Those boys are growing so fast I can't believe it.

My heart hurts....

Today my heart hurts.  Driving in to work this morning I heard an ad on the radio for a local medical office that helps with fertility issues.  It got me thinking where we were last year at this time.  We are coming  up on a year since IVF.  It doesn't seem like that long ago.  My brain started to go off in another direction and think of what we could have done differently.  My heart just hurts this morning.  

Gotta get my groove

Somehow I finally got that kick in my ass to get me moving again.  I'm quite excited to start working out again tomorrow.  I got on the scale the other day at the doctor's office and I weighed 146 pounds. I'm not okay with how I look and I want to do something to change it. I've been seeing an acupuncturist for my lower back pain.  Surprisingly it's working. I can't believe how much it has changed me.  I used to have daily pain of at least a 3-4 and now I've got pain of 0.  That's right. 0!  The other day Groupon had a deal for a boot camp that was $35 for 6 weeks of unlimited workouts. They are inside and they are super convenient with hours.  

Time to get my awesome body back!!

Faith

I got a new tattoo on Saturday.  It was a semi spur of the moment decision.  I have wanted another tattoo for quite some time.  After we got done with our taxes on Saturday I told J that I wanted to stop at the tattoo place.  I found the guy that did my shamrock from 10 years ago.  

I ended up getting "Faith" on my left wrist.  All during the infertility process I've had a line in a country song stuck in my head.  "Have a little more faith than the world has doubt."  I really like that.  I like how it reminds me to have faith in myself as well as others.  Every now and then I need a little help remembering. 

Wrigley is doing amazing.  He went to the vet on Monday for his final round of puppy shots. At 17 weeks old he already weighs 44 pounds! He is such a big boy.  I wish he would stop wiggling enough for me to scoop him up and cuddle with him.  He only lets me do that when he's super tired.  I'm very happy that he is starting to sleep through the night.  The last few nights he's gone out at 9 and stayed asleep until 6am.  It's been heavenly.  It's funny how much having a puppy is like having a baby.  I told J, "We're ready now. We are used to getting up in the middle of the night!"  

We got our final bill from the IVF and hysterscopy procedure.  Gotta love insurance being so slow with getting information back to the doctor's office.  It was kind of bittersweet for me sending in the bill.  I know it sounds silly but it's like closing the door on our relationship with PNWF & Dr M.  We can't afford another round of IVF.  We could afford IUI out of pocket but when it only gives you a 25% chance, it's not really worth it.  I remember thinking of the day that we'd see our baby on the monitors in the office.  How months later we'd bring our newborn in to show Dr M and all the nurses that helped us.  This last birthday was hard because I feel like we are getting further away from having a baby of our own and the possibility of being without one is growing.  

I guess this is where that "Faith" thing comes in. :)

Hidey ho!

I really need to be better about updating my blog!  I've been so bad at it.  It has been incredibly busy and it seems like life is finally starting to slow down right now.  Christmas and my birthday were fun.  For my birthday we had dinner up at the Space Needle.  I had a buy one get one free entree. It was such an amazing experience.  The food and the views were awesome.  

For NYE we went to the auction for the NW Burn Foundation.  It was such a fun evening.  Every year they auction off a yellow lab. This dog was beautiful. I immediately fell in love with the dog.  Somehow I talked J into getting the dog. I couldn't believe! It started as a joke but he agreed to taking on another dog.  The dog ended up going for $3grand and that was a bit out of our price range. The next day we went looking for a new bed and bedroom furniture.  J dropped the bomb on me.  The breeder has 2 more dogs and we can have one if we want.  I looked at him in disbelief. I told him of course I wanted the puppy but would only get it if he wanted it.  On Jan 2 we were headed south with Ash to go pick up the new member of our family, a 12 week old yellow lab we named Wrigley.

It has been quite the experience.  Knock on wood, within 2 days he was potty trained. Him & Ash get along great.  I can't believe how much energy Ash has now.  When we took Wrigley to the vet the vet said she thinks he's going to be 130 pounds. ONE HUNDRED THIRTY POUNDS! Oh wow.  Both J & I were shocked.  We were thinking 90 pounds max.  So we now have the possibility of having a 85 pound Ash and a 130 pound Wrigley.  Looks like we will be upgrading the Nissan sooner rather than later haha.  

Wrigley is now 14.5 weeks old. He started puppy class on Sunday. He's learning to sit, down, come and look.  The class is 12 weeks long and we can't wait to see everything he learns.  I can't believe how big he is getting.  It seriously makes me sad that he is already growing out of his puppyness.  I tell him every night that he needs to grow slower. 

Been awhile

Wow, it's been awhile since I last updated.  Here's a quick recap of what's been going on.

October:

We had a fun weekend away in Zillah with wine tasting.  I love going over there. The place we stay at is amazing and they are super dog friendly.  Our dog loves going there because she plays with the owner's dogs and loves running through the orchards.  I definitely think she has just as much fun as we do when we go there.  She's always pooped the next few days after she gets home.  We tried this most yummy wine.  It was a concord grape port.  It tasted just like Welch's grape juice.  Ooh that could get dangerous!

November:

We saw Ron White the weekend before Thanksgiving.  He was a lot of fun.  My cheeks hurt from laughing so much during the show.  We had amazing seats. I got them the minute they were on sale.  We were about 4 rows from the stage.  

J had to work again on Thanksgiving.  I love going to the fire station for holidays.  They always have so much food. There were 2 turkeys and 2 hams.  One of the turkeys was cooked on the green egg for the first time.  Mm thinking about it my mouth is watering.  I actually went out at midnight for black Friday deals. Yes, I was that crazy person.  Target had an amazing deal on a Kindle.  I wanted to get one for my Mom for Christmas so I thought, "Why not?"  By 2 I was finally leaving Target and I had my Kindle.  

Saturday after Thanksgiving we flew to Vegas.  Love that place!  We got an amazing deal through Alaska vacations that we could not pass up.  We had so much fun. We saw a hypnotist show the first night there.  The hypnotist was hilarious.  Great show. We also saw Criss Angel. With our vacation package we got 2 free tickets.  I went in not thinking too much but it was pretty good. It was a lot of magic and a lot of saying "How did he do that?"  It was a nice break away.

December:

The end of the year is coming quick.  This is the last week for my class. I have my final presentation on Thursday night. I am having difficulties finding my motivation to finish up my research project ha.  I think I'm already on winter break in my mind.  

Nothing new on the TTC front.  Just a lot of wait and see.  Last month my cycle was wonky and my period showed up a full week early.  That kind of threw me for a loop.  The other day I read a blog where the girl said if her first IUI had worked she would be getting ready to give birth. I had never thought of that.  If last November I had received a BFP after our first IUI we'd have an almost 5 month old.  If the IVF baby had stuck I would be going into my 3rd trimester.  I'm sure God has a plan for us.  Just wish He would hurry up and let us in on it. :)

"I would die for that"

Another blogger I follow posted a video for a song.  She gave fair warning that it would make you cry so instead I googled the lyrics.  I'm glad I didn't listen to the song at work because it would make me cry.  I'm a little sad reading the lyrics because it's how I feel.  There's a part in the song where she says she's been given so much yet feels incomplete.  That's where I'm at.  I know I should feel grateful for all that I have.  I have a good job.  A loving husband with a stable career that affords us luxuries.  We are able to travel a few times a year.  Go out to eat and have fun.  I'm in school to finish my bachelors.  I am grateful.  Yet there is still a piece that is missing.  

I called Dr M's office yesterday because we still hadn't gotten a bill for the IVF procedures.  The financial lady said they were waiting on sending one out until they had all the info back from insurance.  We have good news, we only have to pay $516.41 out of pocket.  That is way less than the thousands we thought we were going to pay.  I'm not sure why it is so low.  I'll have to wait until I get the bill detail to figure out it.  I would try IVF again in a heartbeat.  I'd do all the shots and needles and appointments.  If only we could afford it.  Right now we would be completely out of pocket and $15k is  a lot to drop on something that could potentially not work.  Right now I just feel like we are going through the motions.  It will take a miracle for us to get pregnant on our own.  And unfortunately I am losing faith that the miracle will happen. 

Kellie Coffey "I would die for that"

I've been given so much,

A husband that I love.

So why do I feel incomplete?

With every test and checkup

We're told not to give up.

He wonders if it's him.

And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,

Like everyone else I see.

And I won't understand it

If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.

Just to have one chance

To hold in my hands

All that they have.

I would die for that.

In due time

June seems like so far ago.  We still haven't received the bill from PNWF so I'm not sure what our out of pocket costs are going to be.  I think they are still waiting on final figures of what insurance is paying.  Those are still going through insurance right now.  One positive thing is J's insurance was picking up stuff we didn't think they'd pick up. A lot of the monitoring appointments they are picking up.  The only thing J's insurance is not picking up is the things that were specifically for IVF, i.e. retrieval, transfer.

I do have my moments of sadness.  I try to not let them get me down too much.  Monday we went to a friend's house for a bbq. They have an amazingly cute little boy that I just love playing with.  It's been cool seeing him grow up.  He's getting so much personality.  The same with my nephew.  The pictures I see of him I just see so much happiness.  My niece started school yesterday and I cried a little bit.  I remember when she was such a tiny baby.  She no longer looks like a baby. She looks like a little kid now!  I want to experience all that with our own kid.  I used to say I was "sure" it would happen but now I talk in it would be "nice" if it happened terms.  I think if we are still without a baby next year we have some serious discussions about adopting.

I would love to try another round of IVF.  I would go through all the shots and meds and weight gain.  I'd do it all for another shot at a baby.  Dr M feels good that after the hysterscopy IVF would be successful.  Unfortunately we just don't have the funds.  I can still have a little hope that J's new insurance will cover infertility.  I doubt it though.  My insurance is one of the few that actually cover it.  Just wish it was a bigger cap than $10k.  $10k is not much in the land of infertility.  

I do miss posting on the boards I was a part of.  I miss the support all the girls gave.  I just couldn't go back to it and hear about all the positive pregnancy tests.  Maybe later.