Another month has passed

I wonder when you actually give up on the idea.  I know people will say, "Oh you never give up!"  I don't know if that's necessarily true.  I think at some point in time you do give up.  You throw in the towel and say, "Okay. Not working so let's focus on something else."

God knows I'm tough enough

I heard this song on the radio last week and I fell in love with it immediately.  I thought if this was around when I got married it would totally be our wedding song.  I heard it again last night on my way home from school and thought about our journey with trying to have a kid.  It's officially been 3 years and for the last 7-8 months I've been kind of numb with it all.  Each month that comes and goes I no longer cry.  I was worried that I was becoming okay with not being a parent.  All our options just seem so expensive.  Adoption is an extremely long and expensive road.  IVF is another expensive road.  It's not as simple as cutting out an expense here and there.  It's a matter of saving for a few years.  I was a little afraid that perhaps I was giving up on J.  Not our marriage or anything...just giving up on him because I was possibly giving up on the idea of having a child.  There is a line in the song that just hit me.  

"I've given you all my love, I'm look still looking up.  I won't give up on us, God knows I'm tough enough."

God only gives you what we can handle.  God has a plan for us.  I needed to remind myself of that.

What a week!

To say this week has been a horrible week would be an extreme understatement.  Last week I was off work. I have some PTO I need to burn before the end of the year and figured last week was a good time to take some.  J & I headed up to Victoria for a few days.  It was nice to get away.  We did 2 ghost tours, love the tours up there.  We also rented scooters and rode around the city.  It was my first time on a scooter so I was a little nervous at first.  After a few minutes I got the hang of it.  I think it would be awesome to have a scooter!  We got to the place a little late so we only had an hour to ride around.  We'll definitely rent them again when we head back up there.

Saturday I got really bad news that put a damper on the end of my vacation.  My VP called me Saturday afternoon to tell me my boss passed away unexpectedly.  The best way to describe how I felt...it was like getting hit in the chest with a cannonball.  The wind was knocked out of me and I couldn't form a sentence.  All we know right now is that she passed away in her sleep.  She was in Canada, Victoria of all places, and our company was working with her family to get the body back.  

My boss was an amazing person.  She seriously cared about each and every one of her employees.  She was a great mentor to have.  She had an infectious laugh and personality.  It was hard not to smile or laugh when she was in your presence.  We would spend many 1x1s talking about our dogs.  She is going to be missed.  There is no one that could fill her place.  I knew the following work week was going to be difficult.

Monday I dropped Wrigley off and headed into work with a heavy heart.  I got 3/4 of the way to work and realized I left my laptop at home.  I had to go all the way back home to get it.  Not a great way to start off the week.  The mood in the office Monday was very somber.  I couldn't bring myself to go by her office.  It's still too fresh in my mind.  

Tuesday on the way to work I got a speeding ticket.  I was so pissed.  The cop said I was going 37 in a 25.  I'm fairly certain I was not.  I was coming up on a stop sign in a long line of cars.  If I was going that fast I would have had to slam on my brakes when he saw me.  I will definitely be fighting that ticket.

Wednesday my fish at work died.  I just got her the day before! On the way home traffic was horrible. I had to take the back roads to get Wrigley and I didn't end up getting to PetSmart until about 7:15.  I didn't get home until almost 8!  Grrr.  

I'm glad this week is almost over.  Tomorrow morning I fly down to San Diego for my nephew's first birthday party. I can't wait to see my family.  

Of course

I ran to Target yesterday morning.  And of course around noon...I really wish I could figure out what the fuck my body is doing.  A year or two ago I would have been really upset and  probably would have put me in a sad mood for awhile.  Now it's like it's just status quo.  It seems to not even phase me anymore.  We are coming up on the 3 year anniversary of trying.  Who would have thought that in 3 years we'd have nothing to show for it.  Well...I have weight gain to show for it thanks to hormones.  

I think it's time to seriously think about adopting.  I'm not even sure how we get started on that.  We shall see.

4 Days

That's how late I am.  Four days.  I figured AF would come this weekend, nothing.  Still nothing this morning.  I ran to Target a little while ago and tested, BFN.  I've generally been pretty consistent with my cycles.  There have only been a few times recently where my cycle has been wonky.  When that happened though AF came a week early.  I haven't told J yet.  I don't want him to get excited for nothing.  I'll give it a couple more days and if I still don't have AF I'll call the doctor to do bloodwork.  I was talking to a friend earlier today and we both agree that this sucks.  Not knowing whats going on with your body or having any control over you body sucks.  Plain and simple. 

We did have a super fun weekend.  It was J's birthday on Friday and I planned a weekend of fun and adventures. I should have also planned to take Monday off to recover from said fun and adventures.  Friday we went to NW Trek and did the zip line adventure course.  Wow was that tough! I was pretty proud of myself for getting through it.  I had to climb a 30 foot rock wall to start.  It was crazy!

I should update this more

I really do need to get better at updating this.  Nothing has changed on the baby front.  Part of me thinks I might be coming to terms with the possibility of not having a child.  And that is very odd to me.  Lately I've been feeling really bad for J.  We'll be out and he'll mention something about a kid.  He's been doing that a lot more.  A couple weekends ago we went camping and he said this is when he really wished we had a kid, so the kid could experience all this.  That's the part the stings the most.  


We've been keeping busy with traveling.  In June we went back to Chicago for 5 days.  We went and saw 3 games at Wrigley, saw family and ate wonderful food.  Our flight didn't leave O'Hare until 7 that Monday so we walked around the city.  Chicago has to be one of my favorite cities.  I love the tall buildings and the architecture.  This year we did an architecture boat tour. Amazing!

The weekend we were back we headed to Sun Lakes for camping.  This was the first time Wrigley got to swim.  Him & Ash had so much fun.  Ash absolutely loves the lake.  You have to practically drag her out.  She'll chase her frisbee into the water a million times.


This past Saturday we went to Zillah for a quick trip.  J was pretty excited because we stayed in a teepee.  The weather was quite warm.  I can't complain much, I'm just happy we finally have summer.


No other trips planned right now. I'm going to try to get home in September for my nephew's first birthday.  Thinking of doing a quick trip.  Those boys are growing so fast I can't believe it.

My heart hurts....

Today my heart hurts.  Driving in to work this morning I heard an ad on the radio for a local medical office that helps with fertility issues.  It got me thinking where we were last year at this time.  We are coming  up on a year since IVF.  It doesn't seem like that long ago.  My brain started to go off in another direction and think of what we could have done differently.  My heart just hurts this morning.  

Gotta get my groove

Somehow I finally got that kick in my ass to get me moving again.  I'm quite excited to start working out again tomorrow.  I got on the scale the other day at the doctor's office and I weighed 146 pounds. I'm not okay with how I look and I want to do something to change it. I've been seeing an acupuncturist for my lower back pain.  Surprisingly it's working. I can't believe how much it has changed me.  I used to have daily pain of at least a 3-4 and now I've got pain of 0.  That's right. 0!  The other day Groupon had a deal for a boot camp that was $35 for 6 weeks of unlimited workouts. They are inside and they are super convenient with hours.  

Time to get my awesome body back!!

Faith

I got a new tattoo on Saturday.  It was a semi spur of the moment decision.  I have wanted another tattoo for quite some time.  After we got done with our taxes on Saturday I told J that I wanted to stop at the tattoo place.  I found the guy that did my shamrock from 10 years ago.  

I ended up getting "Faith" on my left wrist.  All during the infertility process I've had a line in a country song stuck in my head.  "Have a little more faith than the world has doubt."  I really like that.  I like how it reminds me to have faith in myself as well as others.  Every now and then I need a little help remembering. 

Wrigley is doing amazing.  He went to the vet on Monday for his final round of puppy shots. At 17 weeks old he already weighs 44 pounds! He is such a big boy.  I wish he would stop wiggling enough for me to scoop him up and cuddle with him.  He only lets me do that when he's super tired.  I'm very happy that he is starting to sleep through the night.  The last few nights he's gone out at 9 and stayed asleep until 6am.  It's been heavenly.  It's funny how much having a puppy is like having a baby.  I told J, "We're ready now. We are used to getting up in the middle of the night!"  

We got our final bill from the IVF and hysterscopy procedure.  Gotta love insurance being so slow with getting information back to the doctor's office.  It was kind of bittersweet for me sending in the bill.  I know it sounds silly but it's like closing the door on our relationship with PNWF & Dr M.  We can't afford another round of IVF.  We could afford IUI out of pocket but when it only gives you a 25% chance, it's not really worth it.  I remember thinking of the day that we'd see our baby on the monitors in the office.  How months later we'd bring our newborn in to show Dr M and all the nurses that helped us.  This last birthday was hard because I feel like we are getting further away from having a baby of our own and the possibility of being without one is growing.  

I guess this is where that "Faith" thing comes in. :)

Hidey ho!

I really need to be better about updating my blog!  I've been so bad at it.  It has been incredibly busy and it seems like life is finally starting to slow down right now.  Christmas and my birthday were fun.  For my birthday we had dinner up at the Space Needle.  I had a buy one get one free entree. It was such an amazing experience.  The food and the views were awesome.  

For NYE we went to the auction for the NW Burn Foundation.  It was such a fun evening.  Every year they auction off a yellow lab. This dog was beautiful. I immediately fell in love with the dog.  Somehow I talked J into getting the dog. I couldn't believe! It started as a joke but he agreed to taking on another dog.  The dog ended up going for $3grand and that was a bit out of our price range. The next day we went looking for a new bed and bedroom furniture.  J dropped the bomb on me.  The breeder has 2 more dogs and we can have one if we want.  I looked at him in disbelief. I told him of course I wanted the puppy but would only get it if he wanted it.  On Jan 2 we were headed south with Ash to go pick up the new member of our family, a 12 week old yellow lab we named Wrigley.

It has been quite the experience.  Knock on wood, within 2 days he was potty trained. Him & Ash get along great.  I can't believe how much energy Ash has now.  When we took Wrigley to the vet the vet said she thinks he's going to be 130 pounds. ONE HUNDRED THIRTY POUNDS! Oh wow.  Both J & I were shocked.  We were thinking 90 pounds max.  So we now have the possibility of having a 85 pound Ash and a 130 pound Wrigley.  Looks like we will be upgrading the Nissan sooner rather than later haha.  

Wrigley is now 14.5 weeks old. He started puppy class on Sunday. He's learning to sit, down, come and look.  The class is 12 weeks long and we can't wait to see everything he learns.  I can't believe how big he is getting.  It seriously makes me sad that he is already growing out of his puppyness.  I tell him every night that he needs to grow slower.