Not what I wanted to hear

I had an appointment yesterday morning with Dr M for an u/s.  There was a little confusion as she thought that I hadn't gotten my period yet and that's why I was in.  I told her that when I was called with my 3rd beta results they said I should set up an appointment.  She did an u/s to see how everything looked.  She found 2 things that looked like polyps.  She asked if I had time to do a saline u/s.  Basically they use a catheter to put saline in the uterus and they are able to see if there are abnormalities.  Dr M had looked at previous u/s and saw something was there but it wasn't big. 


So they do the saline u/s and sure enough I have 2 polyps.  They think they might have grown faster because of the hormones.  Basically the polyps will stop the egg from implanting because it doesn't give the egg much room.  I'm tentatively scheduled for another hysteroscopy on August 9.  I'm just ready for all this difficultness to be done with.


I felt a little sad going up in the elevator to my appointment.  I would be right around 7 weeks.  We would have already had an u/s to see our baby.  Looking at the u/s monitor it was sad because there was no baby there.  I'm trying hard to stay positive but it's just so difficult.  I know God only gives us what He thinks we can handle but I'm about ready to throw in the towel here.  I don't know how much more I can take. 

Two Weeks

Two weeks ago today was the happiest day of my life.  I woke up and got a positive.  Last night this thought popped into my head.  I couldn't believe it.  I actually jumped up and down. I immediately called J at work.  It was 6am and thankfully he was up.  He could barely understand me because I was crying and laughing.  I called my Mom on the way into work and told her the great news.  Not once did I think tht it wouldn't "stick."


Two weeks seems like such a long time.  I've distanced myself from everything baby related.  I used to be active on a message board.  It was a great support group. Others going through the same problems I am.  I haven't been able to go back there in close to 2 weeks.  I think I've turned into "one of those" girls.  The ones that get sad when someone else is pregnant.  I'm happy for them.  It's just a reminder that it didn't or might not ever work for us.  And that part sucks.  There was always the "next" time thing for us.  We always had another plan.  And now we are at the end. There is no other plan.  


I was supposed to call my IVF coordinator on Tuesday to discuss what happened and next steps.  I haven't made the call yet.  I know we need to discuss it.  Part of me wonders why *I* have to call.  Why can't they call me?  


Next Friday we leave for Chicago for 4 days.  It was a last minute trip.  Literally.  We decided on Sunday to go and booked everything on Monday.  It will be nice to get away.  


I started school on Monday.  I'm already behind in my class.  I didn't realize I needed two different books. When I went to look at the course info there was only 1 book listed.  I discovered on Tuesday that I was missing a book. I ordered it on Amazon and had to pay an extra $20 for expedited shipping.  Thankfully my instructor is okay with this because others have had massive delays with getting their books.  I just hope the book is delivered today so I can get my assignments done.  

Great distractions

Friday night I went to the NKOTBSB concert and had a great time.  It was such an awesome distraction.  The concert was one of the best I've ever been to.  I took so many pictures.  Our seats were awesome.  We were about 20 rows from the stage.  They played for 2.5 hours and there were no breaks.  Switched off from NKOTB to BSB.  I have a new appreciation for the BSB after seeing them live.  I think AJ needed to take his ritalin though, he was just a bit too hyper for me. :)  It was a fun evening of reliving my youth.

Saturday I had to go back to the doctor for more blood work.  My hcg levels were negative.  No big surprise there.  I need to call and talk to our IVF coordinator on Tuesday to figure out next steps.  From the drugs I have had really bad cramps. I know, a little too much info.  It hasn't been the best time the last few days.  I must say, I haven't cried or felt like crying for a little bit.  I think it's been 24+ hours.  That right now is an accomplishment I'll take.  


As our favorite Ghost Hunters say....on to the next.

I really need to be able to get it together.  These random bouts of tears just aren't working for me.  Especially when I'm at work.  On Monday my SIL sent me an email asking if I wanted her old maternity clothes.  It was a very thoughtful gesture and one that would save us a lot of money.  With getting the news from the doctor on Monday that it wasn't working out I couldn't respond back to her. I just sent a response from her today apologizing for not replying earlier.  I told her it probably isn't in the cards for us and I'm just not in a place to have baby stuff around.  


I'm looking forward to tomorrow night. A friend & I are going to the NKOTBSB concert.   I know we'll have so much fun and that will definitely take my mind of things.  I know I was only pregnant for a few days but it still hurts.  It's hard to be positive that we'll get pregnant on our own when it hasn't happened yet. 

Thanks Amazon

I really shouldn't be mad at them, but I am.  I wish, just this once, that they would have lost my order.  Last Thursday I ordered a book I had put on my "wish list" for almost 2 years.  "What to expect when your wife is expanding."  I was going to give it to J as a surprise.  I got it in the mail yesterday. I knew exactly what it was when I saw the envelope.  It stung, I'm not going to lie.  I told J what it was and put it in the office.  He's still being super positive but I'm not there yet.  I cried a little last night.  It just sucks.  And we will never have any answers of why it happened.  I don't know what we could have done differently to get a different result. 

Defeated

That's what I feel.  Infertility has won.  I thought we had finally beat it.  I saw the positive on Thursday morning. I saw it again Friday morning.  I saw it Friday evening.  I still held out a little hope on Saturday that our numbers would go up.  Sunday the positivity left.  It's like I knew it didn't work.  I would just randomly cry.  I felt helpless.  I got myself out of the house so I could try and get my mind off things.


Monday I went in for my bloodwork.  There was no excitement like we had on Saturday.  I knew what the results would say.  I had no more hope that the numbers would double.  My prayers weren't being answered.  The doctor called about 11 on Monday and told us the news.  My levels only went up to about 9 something and they should have tripled or at least doubled.  She said it's a chemical pregnancy.  Which is basically an early miscarriage.  There's something "abnormal" and your body is rejecting it. The feeling of defeat was now a certainty.  This is it.  This was our one shot at IVF.  My insurance only covers up to $10k for benefits and J's insurance covers nothing.  We can't pay $15k out of pocket for another procedure.  


J is staying positive and saying this just means it's going to happen naturally.  I want to believe that but I just can't.  Maybe in the future I'll be in a place to believe that but not now.  There has just been too much disappointment.  If it was to happen naturally it should have happened already.  IUI 3 times didn't work.  IVF which basically takes all the guesswork out didn't work.  It's not fair. I want to be angry but I don't know who I can be angry with.  I can't be angry at the doctors.  They did everything they could. Part of me is angry with myself.  Why couldn't my body keep the baby?  Why am I feeling so sad when there were only about 3 days that I thought I was pregnant?  


Life isn't fair.  I don't know why our prayers weren't answered.  It's not because I didn't pray enough.  This entire weekend I prayed for some miracle where the numbers double.  I just don't get it. 

In a funk

I'm in such a funk. I shouldn't be.  Yesterday was such a great day.  We headed to our appointment for the blood draw.  We were both feeling good because of the positives I've received on the home tests.  We walked around Pike Market and laughed, just had fun.  About 12:30 we got the call.  My beta is only 7.6.  They said that is low for first time beta.  I have to go back in on Monday for another test.  They want to see the numbers go up. 


I'm in such a funk because I'm afraid that's not going to happen. A HPT picks up the hcg hormone around 25 and my blood test was 7.6.  That's not the way we want the numbers to go.  This is our only shot.  We've maxed out insurance and there's no way we can afford to do this on our own without going in to massive debt.  I don't knowwhy this is so difficult.  I wish I never took those home tests.