Defeated

That's what I feel.  Infertility has won.  I thought we had finally beat it.  I saw the positive on Thursday morning. I saw it again Friday morning.  I saw it Friday evening.  I still held out a little hope on Saturday that our numbers would go up.  Sunday the positivity left.  It's like I knew it didn't work.  I would just randomly cry.  I felt helpless.  I got myself out of the house so I could try and get my mind off things.


Monday I went in for my bloodwork.  There was no excitement like we had on Saturday.  I knew what the results would say.  I had no more hope that the numbers would double.  My prayers weren't being answered.  The doctor called about 11 on Monday and told us the news.  My levels only went up to about 9 something and they should have tripled or at least doubled.  She said it's a chemical pregnancy.  Which is basically an early miscarriage.  There's something "abnormal" and your body is rejecting it. The feeling of defeat was now a certainty.  This is it.  This was our one shot at IVF.  My insurance only covers up to $10k for benefits and J's insurance covers nothing.  We can't pay $15k out of pocket for another procedure.  


J is staying positive and saying this just means it's going to happen naturally.  I want to believe that but I just can't.  Maybe in the future I'll be in a place to believe that but not now.  There has just been too much disappointment.  If it was to happen naturally it should have happened already.  IUI 3 times didn't work.  IVF which basically takes all the guesswork out didn't work.  It's not fair. I want to be angry but I don't know who I can be angry with.  I can't be angry at the doctors.  They did everything they could. Part of me is angry with myself.  Why couldn't my body keep the baby?  Why am I feeling so sad when there were only about 3 days that I thought I was pregnant?  


Life isn't fair.  I don't know why our prayers weren't answered.  It's not because I didn't pray enough.  This entire weekend I prayed for some miracle where the numbers double.  I just don't get it.