Been awhile

Wow, it's been awhile since I last updated.  Here's a quick recap of what's been going on.

October:

We had a fun weekend away in Zillah with wine tasting.  I love going over there. The place we stay at is amazing and they are super dog friendly.  Our dog loves going there because she plays with the owner's dogs and loves running through the orchards.  I definitely think she has just as much fun as we do when we go there.  She's always pooped the next few days after she gets home.  We tried this most yummy wine.  It was a concord grape port.  It tasted just like Welch's grape juice.  Ooh that could get dangerous!

November:

We saw Ron White the weekend before Thanksgiving.  He was a lot of fun.  My cheeks hurt from laughing so much during the show.  We had amazing seats. I got them the minute they were on sale.  We were about 4 rows from the stage.  

J had to work again on Thanksgiving.  I love going to the fire station for holidays.  They always have so much food. There were 2 turkeys and 2 hams.  One of the turkeys was cooked on the green egg for the first time.  Mm thinking about it my mouth is watering.  I actually went out at midnight for black Friday deals. Yes, I was that crazy person.  Target had an amazing deal on a Kindle.  I wanted to get one for my Mom for Christmas so I thought, "Why not?"  By 2 I was finally leaving Target and I had my Kindle.  

Saturday after Thanksgiving we flew to Vegas.  Love that place!  We got an amazing deal through Alaska vacations that we could not pass up.  We had so much fun. We saw a hypnotist show the first night there.  The hypnotist was hilarious.  Great show. We also saw Criss Angel. With our vacation package we got 2 free tickets.  I went in not thinking too much but it was pretty good. It was a lot of magic and a lot of saying "How did he do that?"  It was a nice break away.

December:

The end of the year is coming quick.  This is the last week for my class. I have my final presentation on Thursday night. I am having difficulties finding my motivation to finish up my research project ha.  I think I'm already on winter break in my mind.  

Nothing new on the TTC front.  Just a lot of wait and see.  Last month my cycle was wonky and my period showed up a full week early.  That kind of threw me for a loop.  The other day I read a blog where the girl said if her first IUI had worked she would be getting ready to give birth. I had never thought of that.  If last November I had received a BFP after our first IUI we'd have an almost 5 month old.  If the IVF baby had stuck I would be going into my 3rd trimester.  I'm sure God has a plan for us.  Just wish He would hurry up and let us in on it. :)

"I would die for that"

Another blogger I follow posted a video for a song.  She gave fair warning that it would make you cry so instead I googled the lyrics.  I'm glad I didn't listen to the song at work because it would make me cry.  I'm a little sad reading the lyrics because it's how I feel.  There's a part in the song where she says she's been given so much yet feels incomplete.  That's where I'm at.  I know I should feel grateful for all that I have.  I have a good job.  A loving husband with a stable career that affords us luxuries.  We are able to travel a few times a year.  Go out to eat and have fun.  I'm in school to finish my bachelors.  I am grateful.  Yet there is still a piece that is missing.  

I called Dr M's office yesterday because we still hadn't gotten a bill for the IVF procedures.  The financial lady said they were waiting on sending one out until they had all the info back from insurance.  We have good news, we only have to pay $516.41 out of pocket.  That is way less than the thousands we thought we were going to pay.  I'm not sure why it is so low.  I'll have to wait until I get the bill detail to figure out it.  I would try IVF again in a heartbeat.  I'd do all the shots and needles and appointments.  If only we could afford it.  Right now we would be completely out of pocket and $15k is  a lot to drop on something that could potentially not work.  Right now I just feel like we are going through the motions.  It will take a miracle for us to get pregnant on our own.  And unfortunately I am losing faith that the miracle will happen. 

Kellie Coffey "I would die for that"

I've been given so much,

A husband that I love.

So why do I feel incomplete?

With every test and checkup

We're told not to give up.

He wonders if it's him.

And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,

Like everyone else I see.

And I won't understand it

If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.

Just to have one chance

To hold in my hands

All that they have.

I would die for that.

In due time

June seems like so far ago.  We still haven't received the bill from PNWF so I'm not sure what our out of pocket costs are going to be.  I think they are still waiting on final figures of what insurance is paying.  Those are still going through insurance right now.  One positive thing is J's insurance was picking up stuff we didn't think they'd pick up. A lot of the monitoring appointments they are picking up.  The only thing J's insurance is not picking up is the things that were specifically for IVF, i.e. retrieval, transfer.

I do have my moments of sadness.  I try to not let them get me down too much.  Monday we went to a friend's house for a bbq. They have an amazingly cute little boy that I just love playing with.  It's been cool seeing him grow up.  He's getting so much personality.  The same with my nephew.  The pictures I see of him I just see so much happiness.  My niece started school yesterday and I cried a little bit.  I remember when she was such a tiny baby.  She no longer looks like a baby. She looks like a little kid now!  I want to experience all that with our own kid.  I used to say I was "sure" it would happen but now I talk in it would be "nice" if it happened terms.  I think if we are still without a baby next year we have some serious discussions about adopting.

I would love to try another round of IVF.  I would go through all the shots and meds and weight gain.  I'd do it all for another shot at a baby.  Dr M feels good that after the hysterscopy IVF would be successful.  Unfortunately we just don't have the funds.  I can still have a little hope that J's new insurance will cover infertility.  I doubt it though.  My insurance is one of the few that actually cover it.  Just wish it was a bigger cap than $10k.  $10k is not much in the land of infertility.  

I do miss posting on the boards I was a part of.  I miss the support all the girls gave.  I just couldn't go back to it and hear about all the positive pregnancy tests.  Maybe later.

2nd Anniversary

We celebrated our 2nd anniversary on Monday.  It's hard to believe that it has already been 2 years since we got married. It seems like longer than that.  We went down to San Francisco for a long weekend to see a Cubs Giants game. It was fun going to the game on our anniversary.  Thank goodness the Cubs won! haha. Made for a good gift.

The weather was okay down there.  It got a little chilly at night but thankfully there was no rain.  We walked around a bunch and went to Alcatraz.  Ate way too much amazing food.  Ooh I feel like I need a food detox.  

Everything went fine with recovery after the hysteroscopy.  I can finally take baths again. That's an amazing thing to me.  Nothing new on the baby front.  We really haven't talked next steps.  We can't afford IVF without insurance. We don't want to take out a loan to pay for it and have one more bill to be responsible for.  Hopefully with the new contract the new insurance provider will cover infertility benefits.  That would be amazing.  I know it's a long shot but I can at least hope.

Relaxing weekend

This weekend was so relaxing.  J's birthday was on Wednesday.  Saturday we headed to eastern Washington for the Toby Keith concert.  I booked a room for us at the Cave B Inn right next door to the Gorge. The Gorge is a beautiful place to see a concert.  It's in the middle of nowhere overlooking the Columbia river.  We headed out early on Saturday so we could visit the winery and just relax.  The concert was amazing. Toby played until 11:30 at night and our seats were awesome.  They were 5 rows from the stage!  Such a great time.  Saturday we are headed down to San Francisco for our anniversary.  Another fun weekend awaits. 

Hysteroscopy is done

No longer am I nervous about going under anesthesia.  In the past 7 months I've been put under anesthesia 3 times.  I think I'm a pro at it now.  J loves when I come out of anesthesia because I say funny things.  This time he asked me how I was feeling and I said, "I hope I'm not hungover tomorrow." Only me. :)

Everything went fine with the surgery.  We even got to take pictures home haha.  I went home and slept for the afternoon.  I'm back at work today just taking it easy.  I was a little crampy this morning but nothing too bad.  Today is J's birthday and he has to work.  I'm heading to the station to have dinner with him.  This weekend we are celebrating with Toby Keith at the Gorge. Can't wait for that!

New day is Tuesday

They rescheduled my hysteroscopy for next Tuesday. Dr M is on vacation so it will be with a different doctor.  Now instead of being off next Friday I'll have to take Tuesday off.  So much for a long weekend. :)

Bleah!

So I doubt I am going to do the hysteroscopy on Tuesday. I was supposed to get my period on Thursday. Here it is Saturday and it's still not here.  I'm going to call the doctor on Monday and figure out what the next steps are.  Our doctor is going on vacation on the 10th and won't be back until the 24th.  Looks like we probably won't be doing the surgery this month.

A nice break away

Chicago was such a fun time.  It was a nice break away from everything.

Friday

I woke up at 4:45 in the morning to finish up some last minute stuff around the house and make sure I was out of the house by 6:30.  I had to drop our dog off at the Pets Hotel right at 7.  I got there a few minutes before and thankfully they were already open.  It didn't take long to get her checked in and I was on my way to the airport. Picked J up at work and we headed through security.  Our flight was supposed to leave at 8:45 am but it didn't end up leaving until 10:30. We were delayed for mechanical issues. We were supposed to land in Chicago at 2:40 and with the delay we landed at 3:05 I believe.  The pilot was hauling ass! We quickly got our bags and headed on the L downtown to the hotel.

The Palmer House Hilton was amazing.   It is an older hotel but it had so much charm.  When we checked in they had rooms available on the executive level that included breakfast every morning and appetizers in the evening for an additional $25 a day.  We jumped on it.  It was a great savings for us because we took advantage of the breakfast every morning.  We dropped our bags off in our room and got a few appetizers to tide us over until dinner.  We jumped on a bus and headed to Navy Pier.  It was so humid the entire time we were there but at least it was sunny. :)  We went up on the ferris wheel and walked all over Navy Pier.  Went to Billy Goat Tavern and had our first old style of the trip. That night we had dinner at Harry Carays. Oh man the steak was so good.  We ended up getting back to the hotel about 11.

Saturday

Our first day at Wrigley! Game was at 12:05 and we got to Wrigley a little before 10.  It was nice to walk around before it got too crowded. We headed to the Cubby Bear and had a beer.  We walked around outside the stadium taking a bunch of pictures.  Went to Murphy's for an Old Style.  The area started to get packed with fans. It was amazing to see all the Cubs fans.  Everyone was pumped for the game.  We met up with my cousins and headed in.  For this game we had seats right behind home plate under the overhang. It worked out perfectly because we were in the shade and there was a nice breeze coming in.  For dinner we went to an amazing pizza place.  J says Chicago pizza ruined him.  He'll never be able to eat mediocre pizza again.  We headed to the Willis (Sears) tower and enjoyed the view.  The sky deck is crazy! I can't believe you're standing on plexiglass 103 stories up. Unbelievable.

Sunday

Game 2.  We got to the stadium right as it opened so we could watch batting practice. Unfortunately due to the rain earlier in the morning there was no bp.  We were happy to see the tarp coming off.  J was worried the game would be rained out. We had seats 10 rows behind the Cubs dugout. They were amazing seats.  Such an awesome view. The game went into extra innings and the Cubs won. We got to sing Go Cubs Go twice in a row this trip!  After the game we went to my cousins house for a bbq.  It was nice to sit out and chat with everyone.  About 7 the humidity finally started to calm down.

Monday

Our last day in Chicago.  We had a tour of Wrigley at 10am. So awesome. We went in the visitors clubhouse, on the field, in the bleachers, got our picture taken in front of the ivy, sat in the Cubs dugout.  It was a great hour and a half.  We got so many great pictures of the stadium.  Our trip was coming to an end and it was pretty sad.  We had so much fun. J fell in love with the city. He was already planning our next trip back.  We went to the Cubby bear and had another beer then headed to Goose Island Brewery in search of Cubby Bear Blue.  Unfortunately they didn't have it.  Before getting on the L and heading back to the hotel to get our stuff...we had a Chicago dog. Pretty sure J enjoyed it because he ate it in less than 30 seconds. We took the L back to OHare and checked in for our flight home. We lucked out and we upgraded to first class. It was so nice having the extra leg room for the flight.

Not what I wanted to hear

I had an appointment yesterday morning with Dr M for an u/s.  There was a little confusion as she thought that I hadn't gotten my period yet and that's why I was in.  I told her that when I was called with my 3rd beta results they said I should set up an appointment.  She did an u/s to see how everything looked.  She found 2 things that looked like polyps.  She asked if I had time to do a saline u/s.  Basically they use a catheter to put saline in the uterus and they are able to see if there are abnormalities.  Dr M had looked at previous u/s and saw something was there but it wasn't big. 


So they do the saline u/s and sure enough I have 2 polyps.  They think they might have grown faster because of the hormones.  Basically the polyps will stop the egg from implanting because it doesn't give the egg much room.  I'm tentatively scheduled for another hysteroscopy on August 9.  I'm just ready for all this difficultness to be done with.


I felt a little sad going up in the elevator to my appointment.  I would be right around 7 weeks.  We would have already had an u/s to see our baby.  Looking at the u/s monitor it was sad because there was no baby there.  I'm trying hard to stay positive but it's just so difficult.  I know God only gives us what He thinks we can handle but I'm about ready to throw in the towel here.  I don't know how much more I can take. 

Two Weeks

Two weeks ago today was the happiest day of my life.  I woke up and got a positive.  Last night this thought popped into my head.  I couldn't believe it.  I actually jumped up and down. I immediately called J at work.  It was 6am and thankfully he was up.  He could barely understand me because I was crying and laughing.  I called my Mom on the way into work and told her the great news.  Not once did I think tht it wouldn't "stick."


Two weeks seems like such a long time.  I've distanced myself from everything baby related.  I used to be active on a message board.  It was a great support group. Others going through the same problems I am.  I haven't been able to go back there in close to 2 weeks.  I think I've turned into "one of those" girls.  The ones that get sad when someone else is pregnant.  I'm happy for them.  It's just a reminder that it didn't or might not ever work for us.  And that part sucks.  There was always the "next" time thing for us.  We always had another plan.  And now we are at the end. There is no other plan.  


I was supposed to call my IVF coordinator on Tuesday to discuss what happened and next steps.  I haven't made the call yet.  I know we need to discuss it.  Part of me wonders why *I* have to call.  Why can't they call me?  


Next Friday we leave for Chicago for 4 days.  It was a last minute trip.  Literally.  We decided on Sunday to go and booked everything on Monday.  It will be nice to get away.  


I started school on Monday.  I'm already behind in my class.  I didn't realize I needed two different books. When I went to look at the course info there was only 1 book listed.  I discovered on Tuesday that I was missing a book. I ordered it on Amazon and had to pay an extra $20 for expedited shipping.  Thankfully my instructor is okay with this because others have had massive delays with getting their books.  I just hope the book is delivered today so I can get my assignments done.  

Great distractions

Friday night I went to the NKOTBSB concert and had a great time.  It was such an awesome distraction.  The concert was one of the best I've ever been to.  I took so many pictures.  Our seats were awesome.  We were about 20 rows from the stage.  They played for 2.5 hours and there were no breaks.  Switched off from NKOTB to BSB.  I have a new appreciation for the BSB after seeing them live.  I think AJ needed to take his ritalin though, he was just a bit too hyper for me. :)  It was a fun evening of reliving my youth.

Saturday I had to go back to the doctor for more blood work.  My hcg levels were negative.  No big surprise there.  I need to call and talk to our IVF coordinator on Tuesday to figure out next steps.  From the drugs I have had really bad cramps. I know, a little too much info.  It hasn't been the best time the last few days.  I must say, I haven't cried or felt like crying for a little bit.  I think it's been 24+ hours.  That right now is an accomplishment I'll take.  


As our favorite Ghost Hunters say....on to the next.

I really need to be able to get it together.  These random bouts of tears just aren't working for me.  Especially when I'm at work.  On Monday my SIL sent me an email asking if I wanted her old maternity clothes.  It was a very thoughtful gesture and one that would save us a lot of money.  With getting the news from the doctor on Monday that it wasn't working out I couldn't respond back to her. I just sent a response from her today apologizing for not replying earlier.  I told her it probably isn't in the cards for us and I'm just not in a place to have baby stuff around.  


I'm looking forward to tomorrow night. A friend & I are going to the NKOTBSB concert.   I know we'll have so much fun and that will definitely take my mind of things.  I know I was only pregnant for a few days but it still hurts.  It's hard to be positive that we'll get pregnant on our own when it hasn't happened yet. 

Thanks Amazon

I really shouldn't be mad at them, but I am.  I wish, just this once, that they would have lost my order.  Last Thursday I ordered a book I had put on my "wish list" for almost 2 years.  "What to expect when your wife is expanding."  I was going to give it to J as a surprise.  I got it in the mail yesterday. I knew exactly what it was when I saw the envelope.  It stung, I'm not going to lie.  I told J what it was and put it in the office.  He's still being super positive but I'm not there yet.  I cried a little last night.  It just sucks.  And we will never have any answers of why it happened.  I don't know what we could have done differently to get a different result. 

Defeated

That's what I feel.  Infertility has won.  I thought we had finally beat it.  I saw the positive on Thursday morning. I saw it again Friday morning.  I saw it Friday evening.  I still held out a little hope on Saturday that our numbers would go up.  Sunday the positivity left.  It's like I knew it didn't work.  I would just randomly cry.  I felt helpless.  I got myself out of the house so I could try and get my mind off things.


Monday I went in for my bloodwork.  There was no excitement like we had on Saturday.  I knew what the results would say.  I had no more hope that the numbers would double.  My prayers weren't being answered.  The doctor called about 11 on Monday and told us the news.  My levels only went up to about 9 something and they should have tripled or at least doubled.  She said it's a chemical pregnancy.  Which is basically an early miscarriage.  There's something "abnormal" and your body is rejecting it. The feeling of defeat was now a certainty.  This is it.  This was our one shot at IVF.  My insurance only covers up to $10k for benefits and J's insurance covers nothing.  We can't pay $15k out of pocket for another procedure.  


J is staying positive and saying this just means it's going to happen naturally.  I want to believe that but I just can't.  Maybe in the future I'll be in a place to believe that but not now.  There has just been too much disappointment.  If it was to happen naturally it should have happened already.  IUI 3 times didn't work.  IVF which basically takes all the guesswork out didn't work.  It's not fair. I want to be angry but I don't know who I can be angry with.  I can't be angry at the doctors.  They did everything they could. Part of me is angry with myself.  Why couldn't my body keep the baby?  Why am I feeling so sad when there were only about 3 days that I thought I was pregnant?  


Life isn't fair.  I don't know why our prayers weren't answered.  It's not because I didn't pray enough.  This entire weekend I prayed for some miracle where the numbers double.  I just don't get it. 

In a funk

I'm in such a funk. I shouldn't be.  Yesterday was such a great day.  We headed to our appointment for the blood draw.  We were both feeling good because of the positives I've received on the home tests.  We walked around Pike Market and laughed, just had fun.  About 12:30 we got the call.  My beta is only 7.6.  They said that is low for first time beta.  I have to go back in on Monday for another test.  They want to see the numbers go up. 


I'm in such a funk because I'm afraid that's not going to happen. A HPT picks up the hcg hormone around 25 and my blood test was 7.6.  That's not the way we want the numbers to go.  This is our only shot.  We've maxed out insurance and there's no way we can afford to do this on our own without going in to massive debt.  I don't knowwhy this is so difficult.  I wish I never took those home tests.

OMG I think I'm KTFU!

I tested this morning.  It came back Yes+.  I do believe I am knocked the eff up as some girls on the board will say.  I called J at work crying and laughing. I couldn't believe it.  I'm staying positive.  I'm going to test again tomorrow morning to make sure it still says positive.  We go in for our beta on Saturday where the doctor will confirm.  Oh wow.  I was shaking so much when I got the test result.  I was still shaking on my drive into work.  I'm so glad today is my Friday.  I hope this day goes by super fast.

Gotta stay positive

I think the toughest thing in this entire process is trying to stay positive.  It's not the shots or pills or patches.  It's not the doctor appointments or blood draws or procedures.  It's trying to keep the positivivity up.  This has been the longest 2 weeks of my life.  On Saturday we find out if this was all worth it.  I'm a firm believer in positive thinking helping and I'm trying my hardest to stay positive.  I'm human though and I'm going to have those little thoughts of what if.  I think my husband has finally stopped asking me these "what if" questions because he's probably tired of me constantly telling him we have to stay positive.  So that's what I'm trying to do. 


One good thing is I'm on new schedule for work. Our group is doing a pilot for alternative work schedules.  I'm working 4 10s now with Friday's off.  It will be so nice to have a 3 day weekend every weekend and to be able to run errands during the weekday.  I need to get up earlier but so far it hasn't been a problem.  The hardest part will be making sure I get to bed by 10pm each night so I can get a decent nights sleep.

Wonderful weekend!

What a wonderful weekend!  We had a mini weekend away up in Victoria, BC.  I love it so much there.  


Friday night I was busy.  I had to do laundry but J forgot to take my laundry basket downstairs.  So I only grabbed what I would need for the weekend and threw the clothes in. I had to get our dog ready to go to the Pets Hotel.  I dropped her off and I felt so sad leaving her. I know she has a really good time there and they treat her well...but still. It was sad at night without her in the house and J at work.


I got up about 4:45 on Saturday so I can finish some last minute things around the house and head out to pick J up at work at 6.  After that we were on our way to the dock to board the boat to Victoria.  We got off the boat in Victoria and it was just beautiful out. There was a little bit of a breeze but we had sun and blue skies.  I'll take it.  We checked into our hotel and they had our room ready so we were able to drop our bags off.  I love staying at The Empress. They are all so friendly there.  We headed out to Nautical Nellies for lunch.  They had a lunch special of Chilean lobster on a hogie.  Wow was it good!  I think J ate his in like 4 minutes flat.  After that we walked around the city....a lot!  We went to the undersea gardens. We did a ghost tour.  Had a very late dinner at an amazing steakhouse.  The steaks were so tender.  It's like you didn't even need a knife to cut them. By 11:30 we were passed out in the super comfy beds.


On Sunday our boat didn't leave until 7 (even though I kept thinking it was 7:30 and telling J this...oops! haha) so we had lots of time to explore.  We ended up going on a carriage ride through the city.  It was such a relaxing hour.  Probably the best part of the trip for me.  It was expensive, but so worth it.  Such a relaxing time and a great way to see the city!  I was not ready to go home.  I told J I could totally move up here and be Canadian.  It's just so lovely.


Now we are in our final week of waiting. We have our blood test on Saturday.  I think I want to take a home test before that. I want to be prepared if it's negative.  Even though I keep telling myself it will be positive and I've been "acting" pregnant as my doctor tells me. No alcohol, taking it easy.  I think I want to have a little cushion for the news.  We will see.  Hopefully this week goes by super fast.  

The PIO shots are really becoming a pain in ass, literally!  My right side is hurting more than my left.  Sometimes at night if I'm laying on my right side too much it will actually wake me up.

What's going on

1dpt Embryo is growing and developing
2dpt Embryo is growing and developing
3dpt Embryo is now a blastocyst
4dpt Blastocyst hatches out of shell on this day
5dpt Blastocyst attaches to a site on the uterine lining
6dpt Implantation begins,as the blastocyst begins to bury in the lining
7dpt Implantation process continues and morula buries deeper in the lining
8dpt Morula is completely inmplanted in the lining and has placenta cells & fetal cells
9dpt Placenta cells begin to secret HCG in the blood
10dpt More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
11dpt More HCG is produced as fetus develops 
12dpt HCG levels are now high enough to be immediately detected on HPT 


Right now we are 3dpt (days past transfer).  Our embryos are getting ready to implant.  I'm back at work today after a day and a half of bed rest. I'm actually happy to be at work.  I was so unbelievably bored yesterday!  It's not so much fun when someone tells you that you HAVE to lay on the couch and do nothing all day.  It's way more fun when you actually want to do that.  Right now I'm just taking it easy.  No heavy lifting over 10 pounds.  Means I can't even bring my laundry basket downstairs.  J will have to do that for me.  No getting my heart rate up.  Just chillin.  


This weekend we are going to Victoria, BC.  I can't wait.  That's our favorite city.  It's so beautiful there.  We went last year for our anniversary.  This year we won't be able to make it for our anniversary so we are going a couple months early. 


The PIO shots are not fun at all.  They are starting to hurt now.  I got a little bit of a bruise from the one yesterday.  Tomorrow I'm going to have to give it to myself because J won't be home from work before I leave for work.  Hopefully it all turns out well.

Wait wait wait

Yesterday afternoon we had our transfer.  We met with the embryologist and she talked about how our embryos were growing and everything.  She explained everything in terms we could understand.  She even showed us a picture of our embryos that we got to take home.  Our first baby picture. :)  We transferred 2 embryos.  They said the chance of twins was 25%.  We had a grade A 8 cell and a grade B 8 cell.  I had to have a full bladder for the transfer.  I'm such an overachiever that my bladder was too full.  Oops!  The nurse came in and said I had to go to the bathroom a little bit.  J was laughing and saying he was glad it wasn't him because he would never be able to do that.


We got to watch everything they were doing on the tv.  When our doctor was ready to transfer the embryos our embryologist went into the lab to get them.  We got to see them on the tv get sucked into the catheter thing.  On the u/s screen we saw 2 little flashes and that was the eggs going in.  It was all so amazing to see.  We will definitely show our kid their first picture as well as tell them the story when they are ready.  Because, as J says, it's just a cool ass story!


So now we wait.  We have our appointment on July 2 for a blood test to see if it all worked.  I'm on bed rest for the remainder of Monday and all day today.  This is the hardest thing.  I don't like not being able to do things for myself.  J has been great and went to the store to get me top ramen because that was the only thing that sounded good yesterday.  


The waiting will be the hardest part.  Thankfully we have kind of a busy schedule.  This weekend we are going to Victoria for a quick weekend trip.  That will help to get us closer to July 2.  J is the one having the hardest time.  He's not necessarily a patient person. :)  He'll definitely have to keep super busy to keep his mind off things.  Our embryologist told us that there is nothing we can do to "dislodge" the eggs or make them fall out.  It's all up to mother nature right now.  I just need to take things easy.  Don't get my heart rate up above 140 (I think).  No sky diving (she actually said this haha).  I told her I guess I need to put my MMA career on hold for now and she said "Uh yeah. What is that?" haha.  

Today's the day

Today is the day.  We have our appointment for transfer today at 3:00.  I got a call from the nurse this morning saying we have 2 lovely embryos that are doing awesome this morning.  Originally we were scheduled for 3:30 but the nurse just called and asked if we could move it up to 3. I could not sleep last night.  I went to bed about 9:45 but wasn't tired so I read.  I ended up reading until 12:15 and still wasn't tired.  Such a restless night. I think I finally fell asleep about 3.  J woke me up about 6:20 to give me my progesterone shot and I felt like I had only been sleeping for 2 minutes.  


J is getting a little better at giving me the shots.  He still doesn't like it and I don't blame him.  These shots bleed a lot more than the ones in the tummy.  For Christmas as a joke J got me pickle bandages so I've been using those.  They make me laugh. 


I sure hope this works.  I can't even imagine the level of disappointment I will feel if it doesn't.  I have to keep positive and try not to let my mind wander to negative thoughts. 

Fert Report

Got a call this morning about 9 from our doctor's office.  Of the 14 eggs, 10 made it to ICSI and 9 were fertilized.  That is a great number.  Again, I'm a very happy girl.  Right now we just sit and wait.  We are tentatively scheduled for transfer on Monday at 3:30.  We will get a call on Monday to let us know how the embryos are doing.  If they are really strong, they will push the transfer to Wednesday.  Tomorrow I begin my progesterone shots.  I have to take those every morning until we get a positive pregnancy test or Dr M tells us to stop.  


And now...we....wait. :)

ER went great

ER went good.  We left the house at 6:30 because I wanted to make sure we got to the office in enough time in case of traffic.  We were the first retrieval of the day.  Everyone at our doctor's office is so super friendly.  The anesthesiologist came in and explained everything to us.  Next thing I know I was in the procedure room.  I have a little bit of a bruise from the IV.  My veins are a little taxed from all the blood work I've been doing.  The last thing I remember before going into the recovery room was trying to think of my happy place.  To me it was over in a flash.  I'm in the recovery room eating my animal crackers and drinking my apple juice.  J was sharing the stories with me of the funny stuff I said as I was coming out of anesthesia.  Apparently my "happy place" is Grey's Anatomy. haha.  That's what I told the nurses when I woke up.  The only thing I remember is telling J that I was mad because I didn't have enough time to get on the plane for Disneyland.  


They were able to get 14 eggs.  I had thought they'd get 7 maybe 8 so I was definitely pleased to hear 14.  We left the office with instructions for me to take it easy and sleep lots.  They will give us a call tomorrow to let us know how everything is growing.

T minus 15 hours

We are all set for tomorrow morning at 8.  I went to the station last night so J could do the trigger shot.  I felt bad because he was nervous.  I snapped a little at him and said, “Just do it!”  The quicker he does it the quicker it’s over.  He knows I don’t like needles so that made him nervous.  Last night I counted and since June 4^th I’ve given myself 37 shots and had my blood drawn 5 times.  I think I’m getting over my needle phobia. 

I know everything will go good tomorrow.  I just worry about the numbers.  I hope Dr M is able to get enough eggs.  After the surgery she will tell J how many she got.  I will still be coming out of anesthesia and probably won’t remember anything.  Saturday we should get a call from the lab, I’m hoping, letting us know how they are growing.  My hopes is that we do a 5 day transfer.  Which means transfer on Wednesday.  Dr M says with a 5dt they know for certain which are the best ones to implant.  At that time they would only implant 1 embryo because they were able to pick out the best one.  After that we wait 2 weeks to see if I’m pregnant.  All goes well we’ll have a March baby next year. 

Systems ready for launch

Went for my final u/s and blood work this morning.  Just got the call from our IVF coordinator that we are good to go.  Taking the HCG shot tonight at 9pm that will trigger ovulation.  ER is scheduled for 8am on Friday. 


I was a little nervous about the shot because it doesn't go in the stomach and J is at work today.  When I went in this morning they said it could be anywhere from 9pm to midnight.  I just had visions of going to the fire station at midnight to get a shot.  Thankfully our coordinator pulled some favors and we got the first appointment for ER on Friday.  I have to get the shot exactly 35 hours before ER.  It's very important everything is timed correctly with this one.   After tonight I get a break from injections.  I won't start shots again until Sunday when we start the progesterone.  ET will either be on Monday or Wednesday.  It all depends on how the embryos are doing after retrieval.  Right now they can tell us Monday morning and we need to be ready that afternoon for transfer.  I can't believe in a little over 2 weeks we'll know if this worked or not.

Can I just move here?

I'm starting to feel like I spend more time at the doctor's office then I do with my own husband.  Yesterday I had another monitoring appointment.  Everything looked good and the follicles were growing nicely. They decided to start me on the ganirelix.  to stop ovulation.  So now I get to take 1 shot in the morning and then the gonal F and hcg shots in the evening.  I'm not a big fan of the ganirelix.  It hurts a little bit afterwards.  Our doctor was out so it was another doctor doing the u/s.  She thinks we will trigger on Wednesday night and then do the ER on Friday.  That will be nice because it will give me the weekend to take it easy and recover.


I go back in for another monitoring appointment tomorrow morning.  Thankfully my work is pretty flexible because I've had to take off at least an hour every other day for blood work and such.  Friday I'm going to take the day off (obviously) but I'll be checking in periodically for work.  Here's hoping everything goes well and in a couple weeks we'll know if it worked or not. 

Maybe tomorrow

Everything looked good with my u/s yesterday. My largest follicle is at 11.  They want to see it at 14 before beginning the ganirelix shots and then at 18 before doing egg retrieval.  I go in for another u/s and blood work tomorrow morning.  Thankfully the office is open on the weekends.  I'm hoping they give the go ahead to start the ganirelix shots so we can get a better idea when ER will be.  I'm really hoping it's on Thursday.  Fingers crossed.

Last night was the first night the shots hurt.  I don't know if it's because I'm getting bloated from the shots and I don't have "extra" stomach to grab on to.  I'm not looking forward to tonight's shots.  Tonight I have to give 3 shots.  I keep telling myself that it will all be worth it in the end.  Just gotta stay positive.  

"Have a little more faith than the world has doubt."

Human pin cushion

More blood work and another u/s today.   They had to take blood from my left arm this time to give my right arm a break.  I'm starting to feel like a human pin cushion.  My doctor is out today so another doctor was going to fill in for the u/s.  When I got there she was in an ER procedure and they asked if I wanted to wait or I could have a tech do the u/s.  I let the tech do the u/s.  I didn't know how long I would be waiting and I didn't want to miss too much more of work.  Looks like my left side is the dominant side for follicles.  The tech measure 6 on the left with the biggest one being 11.  They want to see the 2 biggest follicles at 18 before they do a retrieval. I forgot to ask where the other follicle went because on Weds the doctor measure 7 follicles.  Our IVF coordinator is going to call me this afternoon with results from my blood work and to let me know when I begin the ganirelex shot. Right now she's thinking possibly beginning that on Saturday.  I go in for another u/s and more bw on Sunday at 9 and then again on Tuesday.  Too bad I can't claim parking fees on my FSA account. haha. Still looking at a tentative retrieval date of Thursday.  That would work perfectly for our schedules. J is doesn't work and the earliest they'd do transfer would be Sunday.  Which would be great because we have tickets to the baseball game Saturday night. 


Last night's shots hurt a little bit.  I think it was because I had a very full tummy when I gave them to me.  I told the u/s tech that I have this full feeling in my tummy all day.  She made me laugh because she said "Yup it's that feeling you get every Thanksgiving but this time it doesn't go away."  That's EXACTLY how it feels! ha. 

Poem

There are women who become mothers without effort, without thought,  without patience or loss,and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics or money or because I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited.
I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.

Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover.
I will Marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold, and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream.
My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself Lucky in the sense; that God has given me that insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.

I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend, sister, because I know pain.

I know disillusionment, as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell that many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen, and even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely.

I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight of mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth when life is beyond hard.

I have learned a compassion that only comes by walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

Lookin good!

Went in for more blood work and u/s today to check how everything is going.  I also did the pre-op visit for the egg retrieval. They have to do a pre-op because you are going under anesthesia.  My blood pressure was awesome.  Something like 98/60.  The nurse actually commented asking if I'm always this low.  I told her every time I get my blood pressure taken there are always comments about how awesome it is.  


The u/s went good. I have 7 follicles on my left side and 6 on my right.  Dr M said she likes to see between 3 and 10 so I'm sitting pretty right now.  They are measuring roughly the same size which is good.  Our IVF coordinator said they like seeing them the same size because they "grow up" together.  When they get the results from my blood work back they'll give me a call this afternoon and let me know if there are any changes to the meds I'm taking.  Right now they are thinking I'm good to continue with what I'm doing.  Next appointment is Friday for another u/s and more blood work.  Looking at tentative ER on Thursday which would work out perfectly because my husband is off that day.  

Loving the sunshine!

Day 2 for shots went good.  They hurt a little more last night.  I had to do 3 shots instead of 2 because the Gonal F that I had left over in the vial wasn't a full 375.  I tried to rotate where I was doing the shots because my right side was a little tender. I still can't believe I'm giving myself shots with no problem. I guess I'm only nervous when others have the needles.  This morning I noticed I'm getting some bruising around the area I did the shots on Saturday. J asked me last night "Are you emotional yet?"  I just started laughing.


We had a really good day yesterday.  The weather was beautiful. We went to the zoo with some friends.  It was so nice getting outside and enjoying the sunshine.  Afterwards we went back to their house for a bbq.  Just relaxing in the backyard soaking up the sunshine.  Days like yesterday make the rainy/cold/snowy/cold days worth it.  Looks like we are due for sun for 9 out of the 10 upcoming days.  I can handle that. Bring on the sun!

Success!!

First set of shots were a success!! I'm so proud of myself.  I practiced a few times on an apple to get used to the feel of the needle.  I had to give myself 2 shots and they were both easy.  It was just a little prick and that's it.  I can do this!

It made sense at the office!

These meds are just so confusing! Yesterday when we were at the office it all made sense. Last I was looking at the meds and trying to figure out what it is I need to do. I wanted to get a good idea of what's going on because I start the shots tonight and the doctor's office is only open until noon on the weekend. I figured out the Gonal F super easy. That was in a box and easy to figure out. On my schedule I have to take 375 of Gonal F and 20 of mini hcg. Well I find the HCG in my med box and that's where panic sets in. I see 2 vials. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. 20 minutes later J sits down with me. He's trying to figure it out and having no luck. The bottle said intramuscular (or something like that) and I know that can't be right because our IVF coordinator told us that the first shots are all in the stomach. Intramuscular is in the butt.  I tell him I'm going to call the doctor's office first thing this morning to figure it out. We don't want to screw this up because it's a lot of money. I tell him that if I can't get a hold of the doctor's office today that I won't do the meds.  We will just have to start this next month because I really didn't want to screw something up.  

FFWD to 8am this morning. I call and leave a message for the nurse. I go back to sleep for a little bit. All a sudden I sit up in bed. I remembered I had another med in the fridge. J & I both thought this was my trigger shot because the trigger shot for IUI we had to refrigerate. Well what do you know? I look at the med and it says "lo dose hcg!" It also says sub something or other which means...in the stomach! I found the meds I need to take. The nurse called me back while I was getting a pedicure and I tell her I think I figured it out. We have a good laugh. She tells me the one with 2 vials is the trigger shot that I bring in to the office. Man I was so relieved. So now about 8 I'll sit down and try to get my 2 shots.  I'm relieved now that I have my meds situation figured out.  Now I just need to work up the courage to give me the shots. It's going to be okay.  I know it will.

And we're off!

We are a go.  Full steam ahead.  This morning was our suppression check.  They did blood work and an ultrasound.  Everything looked good.  I got the call from our IVF coordinator a few minutes ago that my estrogen levels were at 39.5 and that's right around where they want to see them.  So tomorrow we begin shots.  I take 3 shots every night until Wednesday.  On Wednesday I go back in to the doctor's for more blood work and another ultrasound to see how things are progressing.  At that point I go in every other day.  We got our schedule and I must say it is a little overwhelming but at the same time it's not.


Last night I had a little panic attack as I'm trying to fall asleep.  It was hard to turn my mind off of everything that is going on.  It's hard for me to vocalize what I'm feeling.  I'm afraid it will just come out a jumbled mess.  Thankfully I'm more at ease after seeing the doctor today.  


We did learn that we can freeze "extra" embryos from this cycle.  If we do that the cost for using the embryos in another cycle is dramatically decreased.  That was good to know that we have a Plan B if this doesn't work out.  The thing that sucks is if this doesn't work out, PLan B is going to be a ways into the future.  


Sometimes you just got to put it in God's hands and say "Okay, it's all on you."

Meds are on the way...I hope

Hopefully the remainder of the meds are on the way for delivery tomorrow.  We have our suppression check on Friday and we need to bring all the meds.  I got a call on Sunday and they said there was a problem with my credit card.  I have no clue if they had the number down wrong or what.  Thankfully we got that all figured out and they placed the remainder of the order.  I sure hope there isn't any screw ups with this order.  We don't have time for screw ups.


It's crazy how naive I was when we were first starting.  I never once thought it would take this long for us to get pregnant.  I sure didn't think we'd have to do all of this.  I keep telling myself, "Good things come to those who wait." :)


Tonight I'm going to be in bed early.  J was sick yesterday and about 8:30 we headed up north because Grandma was in the hospital. She's battling a bad case of the shingles and just not having a good time.  We didn't get home until 2:15 and I was in bed right after that.  The hospital Grandma is at is about 1.5 hours away from us so it was a long drive late at night. Thankfully I didn't have any meetings at work today so I could work from home.  I slept until 8 and fired up my laptop in my pajamas.  I'm having a hard time keeping my little eyeballs open tonight.

Meds

Meds were delivered yesterday. No one was home at the house to sign for them so I needed to go to the Fed Ex facility to pick it up.  The box looks a little smaller than what I was expecting.  I got in the car and opened the box only to find 5 of the meds.  These were the meds we had to pay out of pocket for because insurance has a max of $2500.  These are only 5 of like 30 that we need.  Ah!  Of course the pharmacy was closed so I had to call first thing this morning.  They don't know why the 2nd order wasn't sent out. They saw it in their computers but have no idea why it wasn't sent out.  With the holiday the earliest they can get them out would be Tuesday for delivery Wednesday. I sure hope they send out all the meds they should be sending out on Wednesday.  We have our suppression appointment on Friday June 3.  We need to bring all the meds with us because the doctor will tel us what is what and how we need to use them.


I must say I did get quite nervous when I opened the box and saw the 5 gonal F.  There were instructions on how to handle the needles and everything.  I sat on the stairs and thought "Oh shit...these are needles."  It's all becoming a reality. I have to keep telling myself that hopefully a month from now we will have good news that everything worked.

Meds are ordered

Doctor sent through the prescription for my meds yesterday afternoon.  The pharmacy called me about 5:45 to confirm the order and verify mailing and pay info.  As of Friday we will have all our meds.  Our suppression check is Friday June 3.  More blood work is done and Dr M checks to make sure we are ready to go. We will also get our schedule at that time.  It seems like so far away but at the same time, it's just next week.  

TSH Levels

On Friday I went to the office to get some blood work done.  They check all my levels to make sure everything looks good. Yesterday morning the medical assistant (ma) called to let me know my TSH (thyroid) levels were off.  They were at 3.075 when they like to see them lower than 2.  I went in yesterday afternoon for another blood draw.


This morning the MA called to let me know my TSH levels went down and they are little over 2 right now.  I do have a high count for thyroid antibody so Dr M is putting me on a low dose thyroid medication.  It's the lowest dose they could possibly give.  They want to see a properly working thyroid because that helps with pregnancy.  So now I'll run down to the pharmacy lunch to pick up my prescription.

Who is St. Gerard?

St. Gerard is the patron saint of expectant mothers.  In my "googling" for IVF, his name popped up.  I looked into it more to find out about him.  I will say I've said some prayers to St. Gerard.  The talks I've had with St. Gerard have increased as we get closer to IVF.  I fully believe that God has a plan for us.  When He is ready, He will give us a child.  We just have to wait and be patient.  

BCP? Wha?

Friday was CD2 and I started my bcp.  I know it's crazy to think we are trying to get pregnant and our doctor has us on bcp.  I have to take them in order for the doctor to regulate my cycle.  Friday afternoon I headed into the doctors to get my blood drawn.  Thankfully the gals that draw blood are super nice and know 100% what they are doing.  I'm scared of needles and getting my blood drawn.  I just have a little bruise.  :) I can live with that.

Talked to our IVF coordinator on Friday.  We go in on June 3 to have an u/s and see where we are at. If everything looks good we'll start injections then.  Yikes!!

How we got to here...

If this doesn't work, disappointment will be an

Understatement. My body might rebel against the crazy pills and

Injections.

I found the poem above online. I think it paints a very accurate portrait. J & I have been trying since Oct 09 for a baby. We both want kids and want a family. I know J will be an amazing father and this is one of the reasons I married him. We have not had much luck on our own so we went and looked for help. Thankfully my insurance at work is wonderful and covers up to $10k for infertility. We found an amazing doctor and began our journey to the unknown. We both had tests done. I had blood work and a test where they shot dye into my tubes. That isn't as much fun as it sounds. Verdict came back…unexplained. My first reaction was, “Seriously? You went through how many years of medical school and that’s what you came up with?” After listening to the doctor more and looking online, I realized that unexplained is pretty common.


After a year of trying on our own we went back to Dr. M and asked for next steps. One of the reasons I love Dr. M is that she explains it in simple terms. I get it when she talks to me. We decided that we would try IUI. For 5 days in the beginning of my cycle I took a pill that helped to move ovulation around. On day 11 I went in to the office to have an ultrasound done and to get my shot that would jump start ovulation. During the u/s they found a little bump. The doctor decided to continue on with the plan of IUI this cycle. On Black Friday I found out it didn't work. Disappointed doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. I called Dr. M and she let me know that the next steps would be to go in and see what the bump was and remove it.


On January 28 we went to the doctor’s office and I had a hysteroscopy. This is where the
doctor goes in and looks at the uterus and can see if there are any polyps so they could remove them. Thankfully through all this I was under anesthesia. The only thing I remember is waking up in the recovery room asking J for a milkshake. Dr. M told J that she found one large polyp and they removed it. The polyp was not making my uterus a ‘friendly’ environment for me to get pregnant.


So now it is on to round 2 of IUI. This round seemed a little easier because I knew what to
expect. The pills I had to take don’t make me sick, thankfully. I take them at night before bed so if there are any side effects I sleep through them. The only discomfort I had this time around was from the shot. The area around where I got the shot was a little sore and itched. After all is said and done the doctor says “Okay now you wait.” Two weeks is an exceptionally long time when you are waiting for something like this. Each day goes by and you think, “Okay, one day closer now.”


We found out IUI #2 didn’t work when we were in Arizona. It was kind of nice to be on vacation to take our mind off it. At the same time though it didn't make it any less heartbreaking. I started the Femara to begin IUI #3. When I went in for my day 12 u/s I was told I wasn’t ready yet and had to come back in 2 days. This threw my schedule for a wide loop. I was in an all day meeting on the day they needed me to come in for the u/s and the IUI. Thankfully I was able to get the u/s scheduled super early in the morning so I didn't miss work. I woke up the morning of the IUI and panicked, I forgot to order my trigger shot! I called the doctor as soon as I could and told them this. Thankfully they said they had a trigger shot they could sell me. Everything looked okay for the u/s so they did the shot. Because it was a different medicine, instead of my stomach I got the shot in my butt. Let me tell you how awkward THAT was! Ha. It was actually a funny moment that made me laugh. I didn't realize the nurse was going to give it to me in the butt and I kept asking her why I needed to lean over.  Finally the light bulb went off for both of us and we had a good laugh at it.  And now we are back in the waiting game…again. You continue living your life and doing what you normally do but it’s always in the back of your mind.


IUI #3 was a no go. It’s a weird feeling being here. We really don’t know what is going on now. Luckily I was able to get into the doctor fairly quick. Originally when I called the receptionist said I couldn't get in for a few weeks.  We couldn't wait that long.  We needed to know what happened next.  I needed to know.  Dr M was able to get us squeezed in within a few days.  We went in for our follow up with her and got so much information on next steps that our heads were spinning. Our doctor wants us to try IVF. She doesn’t think that injectibles and IUI work enough and there is a high risk for multiples. She explained as much as she could about IVF. I am very lucky that my insurance covers up to $10k for infertility. At the time I didn't know how much we had already used. We talked with gal who would be our coordinator and then sat down with the finance gal. J & I both had sticker shock when she spelled everything out for us. It was a tough pill to swallow. We could possibly have to put all this off for months and months until we saved up. We left the office with our heads swimming with info.


A couple days later I got great news from my insurance. We had only used $500 of our $10k
budget for infertility. Medicine for IVF wasn’t included in that budget and had a separate cap of $2500. That was excellent news and a huge weight off my shoulders. With my FSA through work we will be able to cover the out of pocket. Hopefully we only need 1 round.


And now we begin...

HI there..

Here's a place where I can get everything out there.  My husband & I have been struggling to have a baby for a year and a half.  We haven't had much luck at all and have been working with a fertility specialist for the last year.  This is my blog of what we've been going through.


Welcome to our life. :)