"I would die for that"

Another blogger I follow posted a video for a song.  She gave fair warning that it would make you cry so instead I googled the lyrics.  I'm glad I didn't listen to the song at work because it would make me cry.  I'm a little sad reading the lyrics because it's how I feel.  There's a part in the song where she says she's been given so much yet feels incomplete.  That's where I'm at.  I know I should feel grateful for all that I have.  I have a good job.  A loving husband with a stable career that affords us luxuries.  We are able to travel a few times a year.  Go out to eat and have fun.  I'm in school to finish my bachelors.  I am grateful.  Yet there is still a piece that is missing.  

I called Dr M's office yesterday because we still hadn't gotten a bill for the IVF procedures.  The financial lady said they were waiting on sending one out until they had all the info back from insurance.  We have good news, we only have to pay $516.41 out of pocket.  That is way less than the thousands we thought we were going to pay.  I'm not sure why it is so low.  I'll have to wait until I get the bill detail to figure out it.  I would try IVF again in a heartbeat.  I'd do all the shots and needles and appointments.  If only we could afford it.  Right now we would be completely out of pocket and $15k is  a lot to drop on something that could potentially not work.  Right now I just feel like we are going through the motions.  It will take a miracle for us to get pregnant on our own.  And unfortunately I am losing faith that the miracle will happen. 

Kellie Coffey "I would die for that"

I've been given so much,

A husband that I love.

So why do I feel incomplete?

With every test and checkup

We're told not to give up.

He wonders if it's him.

And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,

Like everyone else I see.

And I won't understand it

If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.

Just to have one chance

To hold in my hands

All that they have.

I would die for that.

In due time

June seems like so far ago.  We still haven't received the bill from PNWF so I'm not sure what our out of pocket costs are going to be.  I think they are still waiting on final figures of what insurance is paying.  Those are still going through insurance right now.  One positive thing is J's insurance was picking up stuff we didn't think they'd pick up. A lot of the monitoring appointments they are picking up.  The only thing J's insurance is not picking up is the things that were specifically for IVF, i.e. retrieval, transfer.

I do have my moments of sadness.  I try to not let them get me down too much.  Monday we went to a friend's house for a bbq. They have an amazingly cute little boy that I just love playing with.  It's been cool seeing him grow up.  He's getting so much personality.  The same with my nephew.  The pictures I see of him I just see so much happiness.  My niece started school yesterday and I cried a little bit.  I remember when she was such a tiny baby.  She no longer looks like a baby. She looks like a little kid now!  I want to experience all that with our own kid.  I used to say I was "sure" it would happen but now I talk in it would be "nice" if it happened terms.  I think if we are still without a baby next year we have some serious discussions about adopting.

I would love to try another round of IVF.  I would go through all the shots and meds and weight gain.  I'd do it all for another shot at a baby.  Dr M feels good that after the hysterscopy IVF would be successful.  Unfortunately we just don't have the funds.  I can still have a little hope that J's new insurance will cover infertility.  I doubt it though.  My insurance is one of the few that actually cover it.  Just wish it was a bigger cap than $10k.  $10k is not much in the land of infertility.  

I do miss posting on the boards I was a part of.  I miss the support all the girls gave.  I just couldn't go back to it and hear about all the positive pregnancy tests.  Maybe later.

2nd Anniversary

We celebrated our 2nd anniversary on Monday.  It's hard to believe that it has already been 2 years since we got married. It seems like longer than that.  We went down to San Francisco for a long weekend to see a Cubs Giants game. It was fun going to the game on our anniversary.  Thank goodness the Cubs won! haha. Made for a good gift.

The weather was okay down there.  It got a little chilly at night but thankfully there was no rain.  We walked around a bunch and went to Alcatraz.  Ate way too much amazing food.  Ooh I feel like I need a food detox.  

Everything went fine with recovery after the hysteroscopy.  I can finally take baths again. That's an amazing thing to me.  Nothing new on the baby front.  We really haven't talked next steps.  We can't afford IVF without insurance. We don't want to take out a loan to pay for it and have one more bill to be responsible for.  Hopefully with the new contract the new insurance provider will cover infertility benefits.  That would be amazing.  I know it's a long shot but I can at least hope.

Relaxing weekend

This weekend was so relaxing.  J's birthday was on Wednesday.  Saturday we headed to eastern Washington for the Toby Keith concert.  I booked a room for us at the Cave B Inn right next door to the Gorge. The Gorge is a beautiful place to see a concert.  It's in the middle of nowhere overlooking the Columbia river.  We headed out early on Saturday so we could visit the winery and just relax.  The concert was amazing. Toby played until 11:30 at night and our seats were awesome.  They were 5 rows from the stage!  Such a great time.  Saturday we are headed down to San Francisco for our anniversary.  Another fun weekend awaits. 

Hysteroscopy is done

No longer am I nervous about going under anesthesia.  In the past 7 months I've been put under anesthesia 3 times.  I think I'm a pro at it now.  J loves when I come out of anesthesia because I say funny things.  This time he asked me how I was feeling and I said, "I hope I'm not hungover tomorrow." Only me. :)

Everything went fine with the surgery.  We even got to take pictures home haha.  I went home and slept for the afternoon.  I'm back at work today just taking it easy.  I was a little crampy this morning but nothing too bad.  Today is J's birthday and he has to work.  I'm heading to the station to have dinner with him.  This weekend we are celebrating with Toby Keith at the Gorge. Can't wait for that!

New day is Tuesday

They rescheduled my hysteroscopy for next Tuesday. Dr M is on vacation so it will be with a different doctor.  Now instead of being off next Friday I'll have to take Tuesday off.  So much for a long weekend. :)

Bleah!

So I doubt I am going to do the hysteroscopy on Tuesday. I was supposed to get my period on Thursday. Here it is Saturday and it's still not here.  I'm going to call the doctor on Monday and figure out what the next steps are.  Our doctor is going on vacation on the 10th and won't be back until the 24th.  Looks like we probably won't be doing the surgery this month.

A nice break away

Chicago was such a fun time.  It was a nice break away from everything.

Friday

I woke up at 4:45 in the morning to finish up some last minute stuff around the house and make sure I was out of the house by 6:30.  I had to drop our dog off at the Pets Hotel right at 7.  I got there a few minutes before and thankfully they were already open.  It didn't take long to get her checked in and I was on my way to the airport. Picked J up at work and we headed through security.  Our flight was supposed to leave at 8:45 am but it didn't end up leaving until 10:30. We were delayed for mechanical issues. We were supposed to land in Chicago at 2:40 and with the delay we landed at 3:05 I believe.  The pilot was hauling ass! We quickly got our bags and headed on the L downtown to the hotel.

The Palmer House Hilton was amazing.   It is an older hotel but it had so much charm.  When we checked in they had rooms available on the executive level that included breakfast every morning and appetizers in the evening for an additional $25 a day.  We jumped on it.  It was a great savings for us because we took advantage of the breakfast every morning.  We dropped our bags off in our room and got a few appetizers to tide us over until dinner.  We jumped on a bus and headed to Navy Pier.  It was so humid the entire time we were there but at least it was sunny. :)  We went up on the ferris wheel and walked all over Navy Pier.  Went to Billy Goat Tavern and had our first old style of the trip. That night we had dinner at Harry Carays. Oh man the steak was so good.  We ended up getting back to the hotel about 11.

Saturday

Our first day at Wrigley! Game was at 12:05 and we got to Wrigley a little before 10.  It was nice to walk around before it got too crowded. We headed to the Cubby Bear and had a beer.  We walked around outside the stadium taking a bunch of pictures.  Went to Murphy's for an Old Style.  The area started to get packed with fans. It was amazing to see all the Cubs fans.  Everyone was pumped for the game.  We met up with my cousins and headed in.  For this game we had seats right behind home plate under the overhang. It worked out perfectly because we were in the shade and there was a nice breeze coming in.  For dinner we went to an amazing pizza place.  J says Chicago pizza ruined him.  He'll never be able to eat mediocre pizza again.  We headed to the Willis (Sears) tower and enjoyed the view.  The sky deck is crazy! I can't believe you're standing on plexiglass 103 stories up. Unbelievable.

Sunday

Game 2.  We got to the stadium right as it opened so we could watch batting practice. Unfortunately due to the rain earlier in the morning there was no bp.  We were happy to see the tarp coming off.  J was worried the game would be rained out. We had seats 10 rows behind the Cubs dugout. They were amazing seats.  Such an awesome view. The game went into extra innings and the Cubs won. We got to sing Go Cubs Go twice in a row this trip!  After the game we went to my cousins house for a bbq.  It was nice to sit out and chat with everyone.  About 7 the humidity finally started to calm down.

Monday

Our last day in Chicago.  We had a tour of Wrigley at 10am. So awesome. We went in the visitors clubhouse, on the field, in the bleachers, got our picture taken in front of the ivy, sat in the Cubs dugout.  It was a great hour and a half.  We got so many great pictures of the stadium.  Our trip was coming to an end and it was pretty sad.  We had so much fun. J fell in love with the city. He was already planning our next trip back.  We went to the Cubby bear and had another beer then headed to Goose Island Brewery in search of Cubby Bear Blue.  Unfortunately they didn't have it.  Before getting on the L and heading back to the hotel to get our stuff...we had a Chicago dog. Pretty sure J enjoyed it because he ate it in less than 30 seconds. We took the L back to OHare and checked in for our flight home. We lucked out and we upgraded to first class. It was so nice having the extra leg room for the flight.